


The Day We Met

by LindaMaria



Category: SKAM (TV)
Genre: F/M, SKAM, SKAM - Freeform, Skam Season 4, The Balloon Squad (SKAM)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-14
Updated: 2018-02-01
Packaged: 2018-12-02 00:58:27
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 18
Words: 33,817
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11498442
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LindaMaria/pseuds/LindaMaria
Summary: People need people.





	1. Chapter 1

Sana used to keep every thought, every emotion, every feeling for herself. She thought the only one she would share that with would be God. Always. And she was fine with it. Until she was not.

Whenever she felt overwhelmed, whenever she felt like the world was too much to handle, she would go to God. And there He was. In the silence of her prayers. She was quiet and the world was silent. Only God needs to know, she thought. Because God doesn’t ask questions. God knows.  
One day though, she realized something. People need people. To grow, to be, to prosper, to love. We need people. 

Sana was fifteen back then. She had seen more than any white man she met in the street on her way to school in the morning. All dressed in black, she looked fierce, she looked strong, she looked fearless. But truly, deep down, she was alone, she was scared, she was broken. All she wanted was love, friendship, understanding. Why would a piece of cloth bring so much hate? Why would a decision bring so much hate? Devotion to the One, the Only. Faith that Islam is the true path she has to take. Loving the Almighty and trusting that the life He has chosen for her is right. 

How can it be right and so tough though, she wondered? She was Norwegian. She was Moroccan. She was a Muslim. But she was so much more than that. A future surgeon, she was. So intelligent, so fierce, so strong. Beautiful, she was. Her brown eyes were shining. They had fire inside. They had anger inside. It’s all you could see, really. When she happened to smile, dimples would appear on her cheeks, and it is probably what Yousef fell for in the first place. Sana was so much. She was probably too much for the world to handle. She could never be enough of something because she was a little of everything.

She came home that Tuesday at 17.00. It was a cold day, colder than usual. It was already dark outside. She hurried to get inside the building before the snow killed her. Ah warmth! It felt so good after feeling so numb outside. She took the time to enjoy how warm it was before getting in the apartment.  
She closed the door behind her and got surprised as her head collided with a body while turning around.

“Oh, I am sorry, I didn’t expect you to turn that quickly, she heard an unknown soft voice apologize.

-It’s fine, she said." Must be a friend of Elias, this boy loves having people over.

The boy hadn’t moved. He was still. Sana took a step back to have her personal safe space again and took a glimpse of the boy.

Their eyes met. 

 

Their eyes lingered.

 

Was it love at first sight?

 

It was for her. 

 

Their eyes lingered for seconds, minutes probably, she couldn’t tell. And then, he smiled. How sweet of a smile it was. And for a second, just for a second, Sana felt like she was the only girl in the world. The boy made her feel like this. Nothing else mattered anymore. No bullies, no insults, no hate mattered. 

“I’m Yousef, the boy said, giving out his hand for her to shake.  
-Sana, she whispered as she shook his hand.” 

Their hands lingered there for a while. His hand was warm and soft. Her hand was cold and dry. It felt like home, like both hands complemented each other. Like both hands were supposed to meet, like both hands were supposed to find their way back, so they could become one again.

 

At that moment, Sana realized that perhaps, indeed, people needed people. To grow, to be, to prosper, to love.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> She couldn't hide forever.

Sana never thought much about love. Sure, she knew that someday, she would get married with a man she deeply loves. But she never gave much thought about it. 

That doesn’t mean she wasn’t attracted to guys. Because she was. Sometimes, she would find herself stare at guys in the street for a little too long. Sometimes, she would make eye contact with that cute guy she met on a daily basis in the bus. 

But what she felt the second Yousef set eyes on her was different. It was deep. It was kind. It was pure. 

She always imagined what her life would be like if she would ever agree to share it with someone. Just the thought of holding someone’s hand would warm her heart. Just the thought of laughing with someone special would give her hope. Just the thought of not being alone anymore would make her smile.

There was so much going on in her mind, really. And she tried to focus on one thing at a time, but really, she could not. She tried to calm her mind, but really, she could not. That was probably because she had too much inside of her. Too many emotions, too much fire, too much hate, too much noise. 

But then, she started praying. And all was well for a few minutes. 

In the name of God, the Infinitely Compassionate and Merciful  
Praise be to God, Lord of all the worlds  
The Compassionate, the Merciful,  
Ruler on the Day of Reckoning  
You alone do we worship, and You alone do we ask for help  
Guide us on the straight path  
The path of those who have brought down wrath, nor of those who wander astray  
Amen.

And then, she was quiet. The world was quiet. 

And then, she saw Yousef. She thought of his shining eyes. She thought of his smile, that sweet smile she could not forget. And then, she thought of his hand. She thought of this hand that felt like home, like happiness.

Sana tried to forget about this moment. Sana tried to forget about the moment she fell in love. Mostly because she thought it was too soon, too quick, too stupid. She couldn’t love a guy she had not talked to. She couldn’t love a guy she had just met. 

Why did it feel like they belonged though?

 

Yousef kept on coming at her house on a daily basis, but Sana always made sure she stayed in her room while he was there. She did not know how to behave around him. She did not know how to talk around him. She did not know how to be around him. She knew that somehow, someday, she would see him again. She couldn’t hide forever. But she wasn’t ready for it to happen anytime soon. She was so good at hiding whatever she was feeling usually. So why did it seem so tough now?

They met again two months later. She had managed to hide for two months. One day, though, one day, he was there and she was there. Facing each other. Finally.

It was Saturday around 9.30 in the morning. Sana had just gotten out of the shower. A towel twirled around her hair, she was wearing large pyjamas; a white t-shirt that was probably her brother’s and white pants. She got out of the bathroom and saw him, closing quietly Elias’ door. Without even thinking, four words slipped out of her mouth that she regretted saying right after.

“Why are you here?”

Her voice sounded aggressive when he was the last person she wanted to be aggressive with. Her voice attacked him when he was the last person she wanted to attack. 

“Sorry, she mumbled

-It’s fine, he whispered with a shy smile. Elias and I had a project for school we had to finish last night. Since it was pretty late, I stayed over. But he’s still asleep, I don’t want to wake him up, I know how grumpy he is in the morning. 

Sana let out a laugh.

-He is, she agreed.

 

They stayed there for a while without moving. His eyes were observing her, her eyes were observing him. Surprisingly, it was not awkward, it was comfortable, quite nice, even. 

 

-Well, she finally said, you can use the bathroom now. 

-Thanks, he whispered again, smiling.

-Sure, she smiled back.

He passed her and she shivered as their hands brushed. He was about to close the bathroom’s door when he talked again.

 

-Oh, and Sana?

It was strange to hear him saying her name. Good. But strange. She turned around and looked at him.

 

-Yes?

 

She could barely hear her own voice, she was surprised Yousef actually heard her.

 

-It’d be good to see you out of your room when we’re here. You should join us, sometimes.”

She blushed but managed to whisper “I’ll think about it” to which he acknowledged with another sweet yet devilish smile she began to be accustomed to.


	3. Chapter 3

It was raining today. The rain appeared like tears caressing the windows. The rain appeared like a silent voice that was hurt, that was sad. But it was beautiful. It’s like the world stopped for a few minutes. Nobody liked to go out when it was raining. Sana would see people running away, trying to hide from the rain, as if it was toxic. Rain is soft and magical. It’s like we are walking on water. 

She was in English class but it was probably the one she hated the most. They were studying the life of the Brontë sisters but she could not care any less. Her thoughts were elsewhere. She wanted to go out for a walk under the rain. She wanted to feel drops of water fall on her face, on her hands, on her clothes. She just wanted to leave. She checked the time; there was fifteen minutes left. God, it feels so long. 

“-Oh my God, I’m dying, I just want to leave.

Chris was sitting next to her. She clearly had been drinking too much last night. Her eyes were red and her face was pale. She was an obvious mess.  
Sana shrugged.

-If you feel that horrible, why did you come?  
-My mom’s home today, she would have killed me if she had seen me like this.  
-Indeed, she would have, she replied with a smile.  
-How much time left?  
-Fourteen minutes  
-Oh God, I can’t do this anymore.  
-I think you can sleep a little. Mrs Nostra is so inspired by her lesson she’s not even paying attention to us.  
-True.”

Chris closed her eyes and fell asleep two minutes after. She really was exhausted. Sana looked back at the window. Spring was supposed to come back by now. Flowers were supposed to grow; the sun was supposed to warm the city. It didn’t. It was still cold. Not as cold as it was back in February but still. Sana still had to go out with a coat on.  
Spring is probably the best month to spend in Oslo. Families would go out on Sundays to the mall, to the city centre, to the docks. Teenagers would share ice creams in parks. Old couples would take walks in the city. Everyone would wear lighter clothes. It is funny how the sun can change people’s moods. How it can make people happy.  
Sana checked her phone again. Two minutes left. Finally.  
The day seemed so long. Mondays are always the longest. And the hardest. 

“-Chris, wake up, it’s over. You can go home now.  
-Uhh?  
Chris slowly came back to the world and looked around her.  
-Everybody left?!  
-Yes, but I didn’t want to wake you up, you looked so peaceful, Sana said with a kind smile.  
-Come on, girl!  
-Chill, class ended five minutes ago.  
-Still! I had to meet Noora at the library!  
-Library? You?  
-Yes, please and thank you, she said with a smile. I needed her help for the Spanish exam we have next week. See you tomorrow, Sana.  
-See you, Chris.”

Finally. She was alone. Under the rain. The rain was warm, welcoming. People around her were running to find shelter, cars were trying to be cautious and drivers were slower than usual. She sat on the bench to wait for her bus and took out her earphones and pressed play on her phone. She knew exactly the song she wanted to listen to. Smile from Tupac. 

“Against all odds, though life is hard, we carry on. Livin’ in the projects, broke with no lights on. To all the seeds that follow me, protect your essence”

Sana smiled. She loved that one lyric. She relates to that, she is that seed. She protects what she is making because this project matters to her more than anything. And she knows that it will be hard for her. That she will have to fight. To be fierce and perseverant. This is the only way she can succeed.

She remembers again the day she decided to be a doctor just like her father. She was twelve. Her father had come home after a long shift and he looked exhausted. He still managed to take Sana out for ice cream since she begged him to do so. 

 

*  
“Dad, can I ask you something?  
-Sure, ya benti*.  
-Why did you want to be a doctor? It looks exhausting and stressful.  
-It is, Sana  
-Then why?

He took a deep breath.

-When I was about your age, my dad got sick for a while. He had a heart condition. The doctors back in Oujda* gave him several pills and sent him home. His condition didn’t get any better and we had to go back to the hospital. The doctors gave him more pills. He looked better at some point but the doctors told us it was better for him to go in Europe to have a proper recovery. That’s when we arrived here. The first thing the doctors said was that he had to stop every medicine he had been given. Those could have destroyed him. Alhamdulilah* though, thanks to that, and intense trips to the hospital, he got better. I guess, that this was the time I decided to be a doctor. Because I needed to be there for my father, for others men and women and children who have been through what my family had been through. So yes, it is stressful and exhausting. But we need to be there for people. There are two things we can do in this world: Create to develop the world we live in, and help people to be better. 

Sana didn’t talk for a while. She was trying to process the words her father had pronounced.

-Dad?  
-Yes, beautiful?  
-I want to be a doctor too.  
Her dad smiled at these words.  
-Inshallah*, ya benti.”

*

Sana finally arrived at Briskeby. She jumped out of the bus and walked slowly towards her house. It was 17.35. She still had to catch up and pray dhur and 'asr*. She hated the fact that she couldn't pray on time when there was class. Praying one salat* after the other was quite exhausting and it was harder to focus. She was deep into her thoughts, which is probably why she didn’t hear Yousef calling her name. She felt a hand touching her shoulder which came so much as a surprise she punched the person right in face.

“God, Sana, you need to stop being this aggressive with me.  
Yousef was caressing his nose, all numb, trying to get over the pain it procured him.  
-Oh my God Yousef, I am so sorry. So deeply sorry. I wasn’t expecting… Oh my God, are you alright?  
-I think I am, you’re pretty strong for being so little, he replied with a smile  
-Don’t be like that, I handle fighting better than you.  
-Oh really? Wow, okay.

She laughed. He laughed. An awkward silence followed.

-You’re heading home? She finally asked, I’ll give you something for your nose. Again, I am sorry, you took me by surprise.  
-It’s fine. I won’t surprise you ever again. And yes, I am.”

They walked in silence. When in front of the apartment, Yousef opened the door for her. She thanked him and came in. She went straight to the kitchen and got out a bag of peas from the freezer.

“Really? Peas? He shrugged

He had followed her to the kitchen. She turned away and looked at him with a shy smile.

-It will make you feel better, promise.  
-Ok then, I trust you, he said as he took the bag from her hands. Thank you.  
-Sure.”

Sana then went straight to her room and closed the door. She smiled. She had the kind of smile that she didn’t want anyone to see. She had the kind of smile she would not share with anyone. She had the smile that was telling her “You like him, you like Yousef.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Ya Benti: My daughter  
> *Oujda: Moroccan city  
> *Alhamdulilah: Thank God  
> *Inshallah: With the will of God  
> *Dhur and 'Asr: Second and third prayer of the day  
> *Salat: Prayer


	4. Chapter 4

He wouldn’t leave her thoughts the following day. She tried to focus as much as she could; exams were coming; yet, he was there, in her thoughts. His smile, his hands, his strand of hair falling unto his eyes, his shining eyes. He was there. What was there to do, then? What could she do? She never liked a boy before, she never felt like this before. She never cared before. So, now what?

On Wednesday, her focus was better. She managed to write down all that mattered for her upcoming exam and she even got to participate a little.

On Thursday, he added her on Facebook. 

The sun was bright that day. The weather was a little warm that day. Sana got to leave her coat and chose a light grey jacket instead. She started class at 10 but Isak and her had agreed to meet at the library earlier to study. Sana was tired. She could feel how long winter had weighed on her mood, on her thoughts. It was her mind that was tired, not her body.

She saw familiar faces in the bus. Not people she talked to though; teenagers attending Nissens high school as well, that old lady living two streets down hers going to the doctor, that cute guy who takes the same bus than her. They were just familiar faces.

Isak wasn’t there yet when she arrived. She checked the time. It was 8.50. She was ten minutes early.

To Isak:  
I’m already there

From Isak:  
Ok, I’m running a little late, be there in 20, sorry

To Isak:  
Ok

Isak was never on time anyway, she didn’t mind. She took out her books and began to write down notes on what she thought was important. Five minutes later and she was in deep. At 9.02, she received a notification. She took out her phone. Her heart beat faster and a smile appeared on her face. Her body felt warmer. Yousef had added her on Facebook. 

 

She tried to keep calm, but she wasn’t at all. She tried to contain her emotions, but she couldn’t. 

Breathe in.  
Breathe out.

She closed her eyes to find focus again. This was there, somewhere. She knew she could find this quiet place, somewhere in her mind. She had to find it before Isak would come. There, it was there. 

 

She hid her phone away and went back to her notes. Isak arrived not long after.

-I’m so sorry, Even didn’t let me…

Isak stopped talking the second he set eyes on Sana. Clearly, something was strange.

-What? She asked 

-What’s that? He replied

-What? She asked again, puzzled by Isak’s questions

-That thing on your face! he said, as in shock

-What’s on my face?! She was very confused

-A… smile?

Sana stared at Isak right dead in the eyes.

-Are you serious now?

-Are you smiling?

She didn’t reply.

-My God, you are! He chuckled

-Ok, can we focus now? We lost too much time already

Sana couldn’t deal with him, or this now.

-Fine, fine. But, Sana? He let out a kind smile

-What? She sighed, pretending to be annoyed

-It’s nice to see you smile. Out of nowhere. Out of the blue. It’s nice

-Isak, stop talking.”

 

Isak didn’t bother her much after that. They studied for a good hour and they parted ways. Sana arrived in Math. She was on her own for this hour. She didn’t mind, really. The room was still empty when she arrived. She took out her phone and accepted the friend request. She should have done it right away, she thought. But she wanted to be on her right mind when she did so, she wanted to be calm. So she waited. Yousef didn’t. A few seconds later, she received a message from him.

From Yousef:  
The peas worked and I wanted to thank you.  
So thank you.

To Yousef:  
Ha, you’re welcome.  
And again, sorry.

The teacher and the students had arrived. It was time for her to concentrate. Whatever happens, she should be focused. Her goal was to always remain the same. 

*

They were deep into the third chapter when someone knocked on the door. Sana didn’t pay much attention, she was too busy reading the definition of a phrase the teacher had said she was confused about. She didn’t even listen to what whoever knocked on the door talked about. She was so focused on her work she didn’t even realise someone had taken a seat next to her. 

“Hello” She heard someone whisper next to her and it startled her. She looked up from her book and set eyes on a familiar face. She knew that face, she just didn’t know where from.

-Hello? She replied, confused

A boy was sitting next to her. Curls were covering his caramel-coloured face but Sana could clearly see his eyes. His eyes were smiling.

-I am sorry, he apologized, I saw you and you’re the only familiar face I know in Nissens. It’s good that they put me in here

Sana was just more confused than ever. Where did she know that boy from?

-I’m Kassim by the way, he continued, and you are?

-Who the hell are you? 

Again, she sounded aggressive and she didn’t want to be. He looked… nice. She had to work on the way she talked to people. She was so used to be on the defensive, that’s the only tone she talked with.

-Harsh… you don’t recognize me, that’s fine.

And then, it hit her. 

-The bus! We take the same bus every day!

-Ha, you got it, he smiled.

-I’m so sorry, I didn’t know you were in that school.

-Didn’t you hear the principal? I’m new here. Got transferred from Apalloka School.

-Oh, welcome then

-Thanks. I didn’t get your name though

-Sorry, Sana

-Nice to meet you, Sana, he smiled again

-Likewise, Kassim.”

Sana went back to her book. The boy looked eager to talk to her but she wasn’t. Not now, though. It was hard enough to live with one boy stuck in her thoughts, she didn’t need another distraction.  
When the bell rang a few minutes later, Sana quickly took off to find the girls. Perhaps she should have stayed to talk to the boy, to make him feel welcome at school. She should have. Before joining the girls, she quickly checked her phone.

From Yousef:   
It’s fine I promise.  
How’s school going?

She smiled. He wanted to know more about her. Or at least, that’s what she was thinking.


	5. Chapter 5

5:35

The call to prayer woke Sana up. She could barely open her eyes but she eventually managed to turn her phone off. Waking up in the middle of the night to pray was something she did for 7 years, yet, it was still not that easy to do. She wanted to sleep. She wanted to stay in her bed, warm and cosy. She wanted to rest.

But she had to get up. For God. For Allah. “Praying is better than sleep” she repeated to herself. It is during the night that we are the closest to our Creator, she thought. It is during the night that we feel the most connected to Him. 

She got up and went to the bathroom to perform the wudhu*. Three times her hands, three times her mouth, three times her nose, three times her face, three times her right arm, three times her left arm, one time the top of her head, one time her ears, three times her right foot, three times her left foot. And it was done. She was awake.

There is something so quiet, so magical, so peaceful about praying in the middle of the night. Sana doesn’t need to shut the world surrounding her at this hour because the world is silent already. No man, no music, no scream can destabilize her prayer because she is by herself. Completely by herself. And at this moment, she can give all that she is to God.

She begins with Surah Al-Fatiha and follows up with Ayat Al-Kursi; the Throne; she takes the time to understand each word she is reciting and at this second, all there are is her and her Creator.

"Allah, there is no God but He, the Living, the Self-subsisting, the Eternal. No slumber can seize Him, nor sleep. All things in heaven and earth are His. Who could intercede in His presence without His permission? He knows what appears in front of and behind His creatures. Nor can they encompass any knowledge of Him except what He wills. His throne extends over the heavens and the earth, and He feels no fatigue in guarding and preserving them, for He is the Highest and Most Exalted."

*

She finishes her prayer and asks God for protection, protection of her friends, her family, and humanity. There is so much kindness resting in her heart and sometimes she is tired of looking tough, all the time. She is tired of looking cold, all the time. But what else can you be when you’re a Muslim girl living in the western world? What else can you be when you’ve been given hate your whole life? With this in mind, she folds her praying mat and puts it back on her chair. Quickly enough, she falls back asleep with a quiet and peaceful mind.

*

When she wakes up that Friday, the first thing that comes up to her mind is Yousef. She hates to admit it but the boy has a crazy effect on her. She thinks about the conversation they had on Facebook the day before. About the way he made her laugh with his silly remarks, about the way he cared about the little things she does, about the way he gave her all the attention she needs.  
Sana couldn’t control this. She wishes she could. But love was nowhere to be controlled. Was it love? Or was it infatuation? She surely felt like she fell in love the first time she set eyes on him but does that even exist? How can we fall for someone we know nothing about? What does loving someone feel like?  
The more she talked to him, the more she felt like her feelings were justified though. He was kind and caring. He was funny and smart. He was serious. 

But anyways, she didn’t even know if he liked her too. Maybe he acted the same way with his friends’ sisters. Maybe he was just being polite. Maybe he just liked talking to people.  
She chased away her thoughts and got up to dress up. She was already late for school.

*  
She came back home around four that afternoon. The house was silent. Her father was still at work and her mother was probably on her way home. Elias was probably out with his friends. That meant she had the house for herself for a good hour. It was convenient since she wanted to study a little more before all would get noisy again.  
She sat in the kitchen, took some snacks, opened her books, turned off her phone and got to it.

*  
45 minutes later, she heard someone getting in.

“Mom?” She yelled  
“Nope, just me!” Elias yelled back.

Sana heard him getting closer and getting in the kitchen.

“Assalamu Alaykum,” she said without looking up  
“Alaykum salam Sana, I brought pizza, want some?”

She looked up. He wasn’t kidding.

“Uhm, yes please.”

She closed her books. She needed a break anyway.

“There’s some Coke in the fridge, can you take it out?” she asked, already grabbing a piece of pizza  
“Yeah.”

Elias took out two glasses as well and sat down. 

“What’s up?”  
“Not much, got a biology exam next week. I won’t settle for anything else but a 6.”  
“Obviously, ha.”  
“What about you? The guys aren’t with you today?”  
“No, not today, I’ve got soccer practice in an hour.”  
“Ah.”

They ate in silence for a few minutes when Elias talked again.

“Yousef asked about you, though," he said as if it was nothing.

Sana’s heart skipped a beat. 

“He did?”

“Yeah.”

Elias looked up and examined his sister’s reaction.

“Do you like him?”

“What? No.”

Sana knew the only one she couldn’t lie to was her brother.

“It’s fine if you do,” he laughed. “He’s actually a really good guy.” 

Sana didn’t reply. She didn’t quite expect her brother to be that direct about it. He looked so chill though. He looked chill about everything. How did he do that? He received just as much crap from people as she did. Why wasn’t he angry?

“There is something you should know about him, though.” He continued, as he picked another piece of pizza. “Not that I care, you do whatever you want to do with that piece of information.”

Sana still didn’t reply. She was still wondering about her brother and his detachment to whatever the world threw at him.

“He’s not a Muslim.” 

She heard the door close once again. It was her mother. She had no time to process the information Elias had given her. She had to pretend she didn’t mind. She had to pretend this had no effect on her.

“Hello, kids,” she greeted them with a smile.  
“Hi mom,” Sana replied, forcing herself to smile back.  
“Hey mom, want some pizza?” Asked Elias  
“No, thanks son.”

Sana wasn’t listening to them anymore. She was gone. Mentally. She didn’t know how to feel or what to say. She grabbed her books and told them she would be in her room if they needed her.

Sana closed the door behind her. 

 

She couldn’t feel anything. She was feeling numb. What was there to feel anyway? She liked him. Did she have to stop liking him now? Did she have to stop talking to him now? She didn’t know. Would she be able to do that anyway? She didn’t know.

She never imagined her life with a non-Muslim man. For diverse reasons. First, her faith, her religion mattered so much to her, she didn’t think it possible to be with someone that wouldn’t share the most important aspect of her life with her. Second, she didn’t think a non-Muslim guy would actually like her. Why would he though? It was clear to her that Islam was the main character in her life. 

Was it, though?

But why would she think like that anyway? He probably didn’t like her that way. How did Elias know about her feelings? She was good at hiding them, she was good at that. And why would Yousef ask about her?

Her brain couldn’t stop working, she had a million thoughts in her mind, it was a total chaos. She tried to calm down but she failed. What could she do, now? What was there to do?

*

The weekend went by slowly. Sana felt like she was drowning into her thoughts. She tried to focus on her work as much as she could but Yousef was still in there, deep down. It is not bad to feel sad or angry or confused. The worst is to feel numb. And Sana was numb. And it is the worst because we can’t say it’s going to get better because it’s not supposed to be negative or positive. It’s supposed to be nothing. And feeling nothing, or not being able to feel something or not knowing what to feel is the worst. Because we stay there, in the middle of nothing, not knowing how to move or what to do. And we can’t talk about it because we don’t know what to talk about.

To match up with her mood, it rained all weekend. A storm was growing outside and the wind hit Sana’s window. Which is probably why Elias’ friends didn’t come on Saturday or on Sunday. Sana didn’t dare opening her Facebook, fearing to see a message of Yousef, not being able to know what to answer. 

*

On Monday, she felt a little better. She had managed to focus on her upcoming exams. She chased away Yousef from her mind, promising herself she would deal with it when her exams would be over. How so much can change in a week? How so much can be different? May it be about perception, feelings, life. A second can change everything about the way we view life, about the way we feel about someone. 

No.  
Don’t focus on this, Sana. 

Sana had Math at 8.30 that morning. As per usual, she joined the girls before going to class. They liked to share coffee before getting started with their day. Eva and Vilde had English together while Chris had Spanish and Noora started at 10 but came earlier to work on some article she was proposed to write for the school newspaper. 

The girls were in a heated debate about where they were going to eat for lunch. Sana was barely listening. She was really quiet, more than usual.

“Are you alright?” Noora asked. Sana could barely hear her, Eva couldn’t agree with the girls and had a very strong opinion about going to buy pizza later.  
“Yeah, just a little tired,” Sana smiled gently.  
“Something I can help you with?” She looked concerned.  
“No, I promise, I just studied until late last night. I think I’m going to go, though. Mrs Tresh hates it when people are late. Text me about what the girls decide we do for lunch?”  
“Will do.”

When she arrived in class, most students weren’t there yet. She noticed, however, the new guy, Kassim, that was sitting near the window. Sana felt a little bad when leaving quickly on Thursday. She should have welcomed him. He looked nice. She was supposed to be nice. Because she is. 

The boy was reading something and didn’t notice Sana sitting right beside him.

“Hello” Sana said a little too loud.  
The boy jumped. He was so concentrated, he had shut the world surrounding him.  
“I am sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you,” she apologized  
“It’s fine, Sana, I am just not a morning person, ha! How are you?”  
“Good, thanks.”

He smiled. Sana had not noticed it but he had a beautiful smile. White large teeth that contrasted with his skin tone. He had dark brown eyes that looked like they were telling a story and freckles on his nose and his cheeks. His curls fell upon his eyes but he didn’t seem to mind. Now that she thought about it, he was actually quite good looking.  
Sana looked down.

“I wanted to apologize though,” she said

He looked surprised.

“What for?”  
“Well, I should have talked to you more the other day, I should’ve showed you around.”  
“You didn’t sign up for this.”  
“Yes but I was cold and that was uncool.”

He tried to get Sana to look him in the eyes.

“It’s fine, Sana, really.” He paused. “But since you feel bad about this, I could really use some help to catch up in Math. Would you help me, please?”  
“Sure, we could go to the library after school if you want.”  
“I would love to. 15.45?”  
“Done, I’ll be there.”  
“Great!”

Sana offered a smile that he gave back gently. And both got back to their lesson, listening attentively to the teacher. When Sana left the class, she realized something. She had not thought of Yousef at all for a whole hour. It was the first time this happened since Elias dropped the news on Friday.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wudhu: Ritual purification before praying  
> Assalamu Alaykum: Islamic greeting; literally means "May peace be upon you"


	6. Chapter 6

Kassim was nice. Kind. A little too kind, even. It puzzled Sana to see how kind he was to people around him. It’s like he wasn’t affected by hate. He always met hate with love.   
They went for coffee after their study session in the library. Sana didn’t really feel like it but Kassim had almost begged her for them to go.

“Really, it’s my pay back. You help me, I thank you with coffee.”

She sighed. “I was supposed to go home earlier since my English teacher wasn’t here but I stayed for you, shouldn’t that be enough?”

“One coffee. I promise, let me thank you, please.” He begged.

Sana eventually agreed. She had to admit that to herself but she actually had a good time. They had bought coffee around the corner and then took a walk in a park nearby. Kassim told her about his family, his little sister and his tortoise.

“Tortoise? You have a tortoise?!”

He laughed “I do, yes. It’s quite cool though it’s Lina that takes care of it.”

Sana laughed “It’s so unusual.” 

“I guess it is, and it’s pretty weird as well. It runs after people and hit them.”

“You’re kidding, right?”

“I wish I was. Sometimes it’s scaring the hell out of me.”

“Where did you get it?”

“It lived with my cousin in Tunisia. He wanted to give it away and Lina pretty much begged my parents to take it with us.”

“And you did?”

“Yeah”

“Cool story”

He gave Sana a kind smile but didn’t add a word. They walked silently for a while enjoying their coffee. A light wind caressed Sana’s cheeks. The weather was warmer than it was a few days ago. It was around 18.15 and families were having a good time while kids were running around enjoying their first times out in months.

“What about you?” He finally added

Sana looked at him confused.

“What about me?”

“Well, tell me a bit about yourself.”

Sana shrugged “There is not much to say actually.”

“Oh, come on!”

“No, really, I don’t have a tortoise.” She replied jokingly

“Ha! Truly, nobody can top that story.” He laughed. “Seriously, though”

Sana thought about it for a minute. She didn’t want to share much about her. She never shared much about her. Even the girls didn’t know much. There was only one person she wanted to talk to, if she was honest with herself. Yousef came back in her thoughts while she didn’t want to. 

“I guess I love basketball.” She said softly

“Yeah? You’re any good?”

“Yeah, I’m great actually!” 

“That’s really cool, do you often play?”

“I do, yeah” she smiled.

“Cool, you’ll show me your skills someday.”

She nods.

“Anytime.”

A silence follows and settles in their walk. Sana took a sip of coffee. Her thoughts were by a hundred. She was no longer calm. She needed to walk by herself. She needed to be by herself.

“What do you want to do after high school?”

She smiled.

“Medical studies to become a doctor.”

He looked surprised.

“Really?! That’s super ambitious!”

She shrugged.

“It is. But I am confident.”

He smiled kindly.

“Insh’Allah, then.”

She smiled back. He looked sincere. 

“As you say.” She paused for a second and continued. “I think I am going to go, though. I still have to study for my exam on Wednesday and I’d like to rest a little first.”

“Sure, do you want me to walk you home?”

She smiled kindly. “No, thanks, I will be fine.”

“Ok, then, I’ll see you around I guess?”

“You will. Thanks for the coffee.”

“Thank you for the lesson.” He shrugged. “See? We’re even now.”

 

*

 

Sana got in the bus. It was full and there was no free seat so she stood still trying not to fall on the kid standing right in front of her. Some part of her couldn’t wait to have that. A steady life, a loving husband, kids. A part of her wanted this kind of happiness already.   
The only issue was that life doesn’t give you that steady life right away. Is it a steady life, even? She didn’t know. But now, today, she was faced with a dilemma. Was it a dilemma, even?   
Her thoughts were full of Yousef. And, sure, Kassim was a really nice distraction. He was kind and fun. Just like the girls were, just like Isak was. But they didn’t feel like home.  
Sana took out her phone and opened the Facebook app. There was indeed a message from Yousef.

From Yousef:  
So you like Stephen Curry, uhh?

She couldn’t help but smile. She wished it was easier. She wished she could control her emotions, her feelings. But it was there. She liked Yousef. She couldn’t ignore him. She sure didn’t know what to do, what to feel, what to think. But she couldn’t ignore him. She hesitated for a minute but she eventually convinced herself to reply.

To Yousef:  
Stalker

It took only a few minutes for Yousef to text back. Sana hated to admit that to herself but she felt butterflies whenever she got a notification. Her heart would start to beat faster and a smile she couldn’t control would automatically appear on her face. 

From Yousef:   
Ok but this is not stalking, this is showing interest in things you like.

To Yousef:  
Love

From Yousef:  
Uhh?

To Yousef:  
I don’t “like” Stephen Curry. I love him

From Yousef:  
Oh sorry, that is such a major difference!

To Yousef:  
Don’t mock me!

From Yousef:  
Ah sorry, forgive me, please ☹

To Yousef:  
Uhm…

From Yousef:  
☹

To Yousef:   
Fine, you’re forgiven

From Yousef:  
Ah thank you <3\. 

Sana’s heart felt warmer. 

From Yousef:  
I couldn’t live with the thought of having Sana Bakkoush mad at me. :’)

 

It felt so easy. So calm. It felt like home. Why wasn’t it easy? Why did she have to choose between him and the one thing she loved the most?   
When she arrived home, she heard the boys playing in the living-room. She thought about going in to salute them all and see whether Yousef was there. Because she wanted to see him. She wanted to see these smiley eyes and that sweet smile he gave her. She wanted to see that strand of hair falling unto his eyes. She wanted to hear his voice. 

 

But she didn’t come in. 

She went to her room.

And she locked it. 

 

Focus, Sana. Don’t lose your focus.  
She started with praying. That was the fastest way to regain focus.   
She followed with studying. That was her rock.  
She ended up with sleeping. It blurred her thoughts. 

 

*

 

When she arrived to school the day after, she found the girls sitting in the cafeteria.

“Hey!” they cheered

“Hello” she said smiling

“Feeling better?” Noora asked

Sana nodded “I do, thank you” She paused. “What’s up?”

“I was thinking about having a sleepover this Friday”, Eva said, “you’re coming right?”

“Sure!”

“Good, because there are some people around here feeling a little reluctant about that.” She continued, staring at Chris.

Chris sighed “Once again, I told you I have plans this Friday!”

“What plans?” Eva added

“I can’t tell you guys, not yet.”

“What do…”

“Hey!” Someone interrupted.

They all looked up and Sana recognized Kassim’s cute smile. The girls blinked and confused, just stared at Sana when she replied, embarrassed. 

“Hello” 

“I accidentally took your book yesterday. I figured you’d need it.”

“Ah yes, thank you!” She said as she took the book from his hand.

“Ok, well… see you?”

“Yes, sure.”

And he left.

 

Sana knew what was coming. She didn’t have to turn back. She knew the girls. She knew what was coming. She just didn’t know who was going to be the first to break the silence. The answer was simple. All of them.

 

“Who the hell was that?!” Eva asked  
“Shit, he was cute” Chris added  
“Hella cute” Vilde continued  
“Who is that?!” Noora finished

“No one, just some guy in my Math class” Sana said.

“Just some guy in your Math class?” Chris asked “Oh Sana, please”

“What?” she said confused

“The dude was eating you alive” Vilde said  
“What?!” Sana repeated

“This guy is deep into you, Sana.” Noora affirmed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I never took the time to thank you for reading my fic... so thank you? I really hope you like it. I really wanted to give some justice to Sana's emotions and faith.  
> Feel free to comment or to mention it if something looks out of character. I am really trying to be true to Sana and Yousef and to honor them which is why it takes me days to write a single chapter.


	7. Chapter 7

He couldn’t like her. He didn’t know her. It was absurd. It was hard enough living with one boy stuck on her mind, what would it be if another came in?

 

“Girls, just because I’ve talked to a guy doesn’t mean he is into me.”

“Yeah but that one was quite oblivious” Eva answered

“And he looks perfect for you!” Vilde continued

“Need I remind you that you… like… don’t know him?” Sana asked

“Yeah but he is a cute and kind Muslim guy. Exactly what you need!” she added

Sana looked at Vilde in confusion.

“How do you know he is a Muslim?”

“Well… he wouldn’t be into you if he wasn’t.”

Sana’s heart tightened a little bit.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

The girls didn’t dare to talk. Vilde’s words were sometimes… clumsy. 

“No but uhm… by the way you’re acting, he must know how dear your religion is to you. He wouldn’t try to be close to you if he wasn’t a Muslim.” She said hesitantly.

Sana’s heart somehow started to beat faster. “Why are we talking about it anyway? He isn’t into me.”

Sana couldn’t deal with it. Not now. 

An awkward silence followed. None dared say anything. Luckily, the bell rang just in time and all left for class. 

 

Why did it happen? If there was one thing Sana managed to do well, it was to separate her private life from school, from her friends, from everything. If there was one thing she was good at, it was to not share anything. At all. She didn’t want him to like her. She didn’t need him to like her. She didn’t want the girls to get an interest in her love life. 

Sana was angry. She couldn’t think straight. She couldn’t face people. She couldn’t go to class, not now. Not anymore.  
While the students hurried in the hall, she remained in the cafeteria. When all were gone, she went to the bathroom. She closed her eyes, breathed in and breathed out. Breathed in and breathed out. 

She opened her eyes and saw her reflection in the mirror.

She wasn’t who she looked like. Dark, angry, scary. She didn’t want to be that person. But what else could she be when all people around her saw her as a label instead of an individual? Her dark make-up helped her, it hid her. That is what make-up is for, right? Hiding. The word itself means masquerade. The word itself means you’re hiding.

She didn’t go to class that morning. She went for a walk. She needed to walk. She wandered in the streets of Oslo. She needed to clear her mind. The streets were empty. People were at school or at work. She had the streets for herself. And that was good. She needed that. She needed space.

After some time, she was able to find composure. She had been walking for a good hour and decided to sat down in a park. She was by herself. Completely by herself. She really enjoys those moments.  
Some people say this is dangerous to remain by herself. Because it is important to share the thoughts, it is important to talk about the feelings, the fears, the dreams. But to some people, it is important to keep everything. To not share. Because it is important to have secrets.

“May I sit down?”

Sana looked up. An old man was walking with his dog. He was probably around 75 but looked quite healthy. Sana nodded and dared to smile. He smiled back. He let his dog wander around. Without even thinking, Sana asked him:

“Aren’t you afraid he’s going to leave if you let him wander?”

“What if he does?” He said.  
“Well, you won’t have a dog anymore.”

He smiled kindly.

“And he’ll be free”

Sana looked at him, confused. Why would he own a dog if he didn’t mind losing it?

Noticing how confused she was, he continued.  
“See, we do not own people or animals. They keep us company, they support us, they give us light, hope, love, but we do not own them. If they are not happy with us, then we shall let them go. If they miss us, they will come back. We can’t control things, even though we think we can. This dog, it keeps me company, it makes me feel less lonely, it makes me go out and talk to people. When you think about it, it keeps me alive. But this relationship, it must go on both ways. I should bring something in its life as much as it brings me something. And this, this rule, it should be followed by humans towards animals and by humans towards humans as well.”

A silence settled in the atmosphere. Sana thought about what he said and couldn't help but agree.

“That was deep” Sana eventually said.

“Life is deep, isn’t it?” He asked.

Sana nodded. 

They remained silent for a minute when the old man spoke again.

“I am Ludvig." He said. "And this is Marcelius.” He added, pointing at the dog.

“Sana”

“Nice to meet you, Sana.”

“Likewise, Ludvig.” She hesitated. 

Marcelius was busy running and playing in the grass to even pay attention to Ludvig or Sana.

“So, tell me, Sana, why are you here?”

“Sorry?”

“Well, you are here. You are never here. Nobody is ever here at this hour. I’m mostly on my own with Marcelius.”

“I skipped class” she confessed.

“You skipped class? To be on your own in a park?”

“Yeah”

He nodded.

“I needed to be alone.”

He nodded. Again.

“Fair enough.”

They remained on the bench without talking for a while. They observed the dog wander as he was running and jumping. It seemed happy. Free. Maybe its freedom was being with Ludvig. 

Half an hour later, Ludvig got up. Marcelius joined him as soon as he got up. It’s like they shared an unspoken bond together. 

“It was nice to meet you, Sana.”

“It was nice to meet you, Ludvig. And Marcelius.”

“You must remember to always be kind, Sana. I know it’s sometimes difficult. But love inspires people. You can inspire people.”

Sana looked at him very confused but didn’t reply. She just nodded. What did he mean by that?

And he left.

Sana stayed there for a while. Not thinking. Just looking at the trees and the sky and the flowers. It calmed down her soul. Just like biology helped her to focus. Just like God helped her to live.  
Around 10:30, Sana decided to go back to school. On her way back, she received a message from Vilde.

“I didn’t mean to upset you earlier. I’m sorry if sometimes my words are not the right ones, I am working on that. You know how much I value you as a person and how much I love you. And you deserve all the love. Let’s not talk about it anymore.”

 

People never saw that part of Vilde. The mature and generous part. The part that reminds Sana how much she values their friendship. Which is sad, really. Because perhaps, sometimes, she needs to act childish and ignorant. And perhaps, sometimes, perhaps, Sana speaks to her in a judgemental tone. But there is so much more behind that. Some kindness.

 

To Vilde:  
It’s fine. Sorry I got carried away. <3

 

*

 

Wednesday. 

Sana’s exam went well. At least she thinks it did. It did. 

She felt quite relieved to be over with this one. She had more time to just… chill. She went back home right after school and just enjoyed some time with her mother. They eventually went out for a coffee and took a walk in the park. She loved talking to her mother. She always had the best stories to tell.

“When I was 5, Khaltek* Amina and I once woke up at 5 and went out in town. We walked for hours and eventually stopped at the beach. We went for a swim while fully clothed. It was during winter, did you know? We had no money, no bags, no food, just us. A 5-year-old and a 7-year-old running in the streets of Tangier. We came back home a few hours later and Mother was going nuts. She was about to call the police and the radio. She was so worried. And so mad, we were punished for a month.”

“What was your punishment?”

“We had to clean the whole house, every day before going to school. Our sisters were so happy because we did everything and they did nothing. So, we woke up every day at 5.30 and we washed everything: the doors, the walls, the dishes (twice).”

“Wow. Intense. Did you regret your mischief?”

“Never. We had so much fun that day.”

“But you never did it again?”

“Your grandmother was a tough woman. I never played with her nerves again.”

Both sat down in the grass. The weather was still warm even though it was around 20:00. The park was full of kids, parents, couples and young adults. Really, spring changed moods.

“Mom?”

“Uhm?” Her mother replied as she sipped her coffee.

“How did you know dad was the one for you?”

“I didn’t.” She replied

“What?!”

“I didn’t know.”

“Then… how…?”

“I never told you our story, did I?”

She paused and sighed.

“I was engaged to another man when I first met your father. I was in college back in Tangier and he had come to visit a cousin living nearby. My father had once invited his family over to celebrate my sister’s wedding since he was friends with your father’s cousin. It’s quite heavy, are you following?”

“I think so, yes.”

“We met at a wedding. At your aunt’s wedding. This is simple. At that time, I thought my whole life was written. Marriage with a man I quite got along with, work, kids. I thought it was going this way. Anyways at some point, Mother had asked me to go serve food to the men outside. They couldn’t get in, you know, the celebration was only for women. Men stayed outside or just left. But your father, he was outside.”

She paused and calmly closed her eyes. It is like the world surrounding her had stopped and she was back there, at that wedding.

“So, I went outside, and I was quite busy, giving them tea and pastries, not paying attention to who they were or what they were doing. But somehow, I felt like someone was watching me. So, I looked up. And our eyes met. He was the most beautiful boy I had ever met.”

“But then, mom, I don’t understand. Why are you saying you didn’t know he was the one?”

“In such times, in such a culture, I was not raised to believe in love. To me, love was something unreal my sisters and I would see on TV. And to me, that feeling couldn’t exist. So, when I was asked to marry some man I barely knew, I said yes, because I thought that was all I deserved. So, this is it. I didn’t know your father was the one because I didn’t know there was a one.”

Her mother stopped talking. She let the words weight in the air as Sana was still deep into her mother’s story. 

“Are you thinking about love, my dear?” Her mother finally asked

“Sometimes…” she replied shyly, hoping her mother won’t ask her more about it.

“If there something I learnt, it is that you must be very careful with your feelings and emotions. You can’t trust everything that you feel.”

“But… you just told me that you fell in love with dad the first time you saw him.”

“Fell in love?! Ya Allah, no I didn’t fall in love.” She paused a second, trying to find the right words to say. “Love is complicated. There is so much to consider before you let yourself fall in love. The way you see your future, the way you want to raise your children, what you love about life, what you’re searching in life.”

 

Again, she stopped talking and let the words weight in the air.

 

“Do you know why marriage is said to be half of our faith in Islam? Because in marriage, there is so much to consider. You’ve lived on your own your whole life, and then out of the blue, you have to share it with someone you’re not blood related with. You have to share your life, your thoughts, your passions with someone and create something out of it. It is tough. And patience is essential.”

*

When Sana and her mother went back home, Elias and her father were having dinner in the kitchen. They joined them and shared a nice time together. Sana then went to her room. She closed the door. Took off her make-up and put on her pyjamas. Prayed Maghrib. And sat on her bed. She turned on her phone.

To Yousef:

Hi! I was wondering if we could meet somewhere.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Khaltek: Darija for "your aunt"
> 
> I do love parks a lot, I think it looks quite obvious. They're a good place to think.  
> It is quite important to me to give some background to the lives of Sana's parents because they play an important part in her development. This is going somewhere, I promise. I really hope you like this one.


	8. Chapter 8

It was raining on Saturday. A storm was approaching and it was best no to go outside. But Sana wanted to be outside. She needed to be outside. The sky was dark grey-colored. It was barely 2 in the afternoon but it felt like the night was about to fall.  
Sana decided to pray dhur before going out. She always tried to pray on time as much as possible, but sometimes, unfortunately, she had to catch up.   
She wore her black hoodie today. It was probably the one she wore everyday but it was also the one she felt the most comfortable in. It was large and warm. It made her feel home. She went out and could feel a warm air surrounding her. The storm was coming. It was undeniable.   
She took out her phone. There was an unread message from Yousef.

 

“Are you sure you want to go out today? The weather looks… frightening.”

 

To Yousef:  
Frightening?

From Yousef:  
Yeah we might get struck by lightning or something…  
I don’t want to get struck by lightning.

To Yousef:  
Are you trying to bail on me?

From Yousef:  
What? No never! I would never cancel on the best Bakkoush of all.

To Yousef:  
Oh! Can I quote you on that?

From Yousef:   
Please no, don’t tell your father I said that.

To Yousef:  
Ok then, I can tell Elias I guess

From Yousef:  
Please don’t either. You won’t see me home anymore if you do.

To Yousef:  
What a loss

From Yousef:  
You like having me home.  
Having us home, I mean.

To Yousef:  
True

From Yousef:

Anyways, let’s find some place we can stay inside for hours at least and continue this conversation.  
The mall?

To Yousef:  
Yeah, uhm, okay, we could meet at Oslo City then?

From Yousef:  
Deal. See you there!

She turned off her phone. She wasn’t planning to have fun… she just wanted to talk to him. She needed to talk to him. And perhaps, her thoughts would be clearer then. She hoped they would be. Because if he didn’t like her, or if they didn’t share the same values, maybe it would be easier to move on. Because he was kind and sweet, funny and handsome and that was enough to make Sana fall for him. So maybe, there was something that would make her move on? Or maybe there was something to make her fall harder for him.

*

She fell harder.  
She did have fun. So much. They wandered in the mall, acting like kids in stores. They found all the ways to have fun, really. Trying on weird accessories such as green hats and mustaches. 

“Oh, this one looks good on you!” She couldn’t help but laugh. He really looked like an idiot.

“Really? I kind of thought purple looked better on me.” 

“Let me take a picture first, please.”

*

They tried beds and pillows afterwards. Not really caring about the old looks they would get by others clients. Sana never acted like that. She never felt free like she did at this moment. She never felt something as deep as she was feeling right now. She would never act like this in front of anyone else. Not even her family. Which should tell a lot about what she was feeling for Yousef. 

“This one is a little too hard, what do you think, Sana?” He looked so serious, it really felt like he was about to buy a mattress for himself.

“Uhm, yes, I agree” Sana replied, playing along. “You should probably try on this though,” pointing at a kid’s bed, “sounds more fitting for your legs.”

“God, you know me so well, Sana. I couldn’t do it without you.” He got in the kid’s bed trying hardly to get his legs inside the bed. He continued “Yup, it is perfect!”

Sana burst out laughing. Yousef’s position looked like he was stuck inside a tiny box.

“Ok, can you now stop laughing and take me out of here, please?”

“Sorry, yes, here, take my hand.”

He took her hand. And again, it felt like home. It felt like no one else was around. 

*

After a while, they decided to stop for ice cream. Rain was falling hard outside, so they decided it was best for them to remain inside. They sat down and shared ice cream. None of them defined what that day was. None of them called it a “date”. But it felt like it.   
They enjoyed their ice cream for a while quietly. It wasn’t an awkward silence. It was the silence we’re most used to with our family. Staying in the same room without talking. Walking without talking. Sharing ice cream without talking. Again, Sana felt like home.

But then, she remembered that she wanted to talk to him. She needed to talk to him. Her heart started to beat faster but she knew that if they didn’t talk, she would blame herself for a long time.

“Yousef?” She eventually managed to say

“Uhm?” He turned to face her and got worried as soon as he saw her being serious. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing, don’t worry, nothing.” She smiled shyly. “I just… I had a question and I was wondering if that was alright to ask you.”

He looked at her right in the eyes. “Sana, you can ask me anything.” His eyes were saying “You can trust me.”

“Ok…uhm… Elias told me you were not a Muslim…” Her voice was quiet, hesitant.

He sighed. “Yeah”

“Were you one before?” She asked

“I was, yes.”

He looked… sad?

“May I ask what happened?”

Sana didn’t want to make him feel like she was judging him. She judges no one. Everyone has battles, everyone has a different way of life. Nothing is black or white. If he drifted away from religion, maybe that’d be something that would happen to her as well. Even though she prays every day for it not to happen.

“I guess… I just didn’t feel what I was supposed to feel. I saw people talking about Islam with so much passion and love, and I just didn’t feel that.”

“We don’t feel like that all the time, you know. Sometimes it’s hard to get involved with God when there is so much around us, so much entertainment, noise, screams. Our faith… it’s a battle to keep it alive sometimes.”

“I get that. And honestly, at some point, I thought that I could just make it work. So I went to the mosque as much as possible, I prayed five times a day and more, I fasted several days a month, even when it was not Ramadan. But my heart was still void.”

Sana remained silent. It was not because she didn’t know what to say. But mostly because she understood what and why he said that. And she respected that. 

“You probably didn’t expect this answer, did you? Perhaps you thought an event in my life would make me stop being religious, but no, really. It was a process.” He said after a while.

“No… I actually understand.”

“So at some point, I stopped going to the mosque, and after a while I stopped praying, and then I stopped calling myself a Muslim. It doesn’t mean I’m not a good person anymore. All the human values Islam brought me… I kept them.”

She smiled kindly.

“I can see that, Yousef.” She reassured him.

“Good, that’s good.” He smiled back. 

They ate their ice cream in silence again. It wasn’t as comfortable as earlier, but it was probably because they talked honestly. Finally.

Sana broke the silence. She didn’t even know where she was going with this. The words just slipped.

“Did you know that Muslim men can marry non-Muslim women but Muslim women can’t marry non-Muslim men?”

“I do.” He replied

Where was she going with this? 

“I think…” 

She wanted to tell him she didn’t really understand this rule. Because, as the Quran always taught her, the world and people are not in a box. The world isn’t Manichean. Some non-Muslim guys, she wanted to say, some non-Muslim guys acted more like Muslims than actual Muslims.  
She wasn’t able to reply as she was interrupted by a joyful “Hello, Sana!”

As she looked up, she realized it was Kassim. She liked this boy, but it just felt like he always interrupted her whenever she was in some company.

“Kassim, hi!” She smiled. “Kassim, this is Yousef, Yousef, this is Kassim, we have Math together.”

“Hey, nice to meet you!” Kassim said

“Likewise.” Yousef replied with a smile.

“I was doing some errands for my mom.” he explained to Sana

“How is she? What about your tortoise?” Sana laughed

“They’re good, thank you! What about your exam? How did it go?” He looked really interested.

“Nailed it.”

“I’m sure of it. Oh! I wanted to ask you something. My local mosque is looking for young women to volunteer to organize some event reserved to women. I thought of you. Would you be interested?”

“Could be fun, yeah. You can add me on Facebook and give me the details there?”

“Sure, yeah. Well, it was nice to see you, nice to meet you, Yousef.” He waved and left.

“Seems like a nice kid.” Yousef eventually said.

“He is, yeah. What were we talking about?”

“I don’t remember. But I think we should go. I have to meet the boys later and I still have to go home first. It’s not raining anymore.”

“Yeah, sure.”

On the way out, something seemed a little off with Yousef. She couldn’t say what. It was probably because of the conversation they had. She shouldn’t have asked him these questions. And she didn’t dare to tell him something now. She mostly felt guilty.  
He offered to walk her home but she refused. She didn’t want to make him late. 

*

She spent the rest of the week-end wondering whether she should send him a message. What could she say, really? “Sorry I asked you something personal. I had a really good time otherwise.”? No. She couldn’t say that.

 

*

 

She received a message on Monday. But it wasn’t from him. 

From Kassim:  
Hey, so I talked to the girls that take care of the event. They’d be excited to have you. You can message Linda if you want to know more about it. Her name is Linda Moghran

To Kassim:   
Thank you, I’ll add her.

 

*

 

On Tuesday, she opened Messenger. She thought about being casual about it. Just “Hey Yousef, I had a great time on Saturday, thank you.”  
But she couldn’t.

 

Not because she didn’t want to.

 

But because he unfriended her.

 

Sana Bakkoush wasn’t Facebook friend with Yousef Acar anymore.


	9. Chapter 9

It shouldn’t be that much of a big deal. It shouldn’t affect her that much. But it does. It’s hard to believe you can make it through, it’s hard to believe you can make it happen, it’s hard to believe you’re going to make it happen. But hope gets in the way, and hope eats you alive, and filled up your brain with pretty images that warm your heart. But then, it doesn’t happen. And a part of you is crushed. And that hurts. 

Life doesn’t work like that. Nothing happens the way we imagine it to happen. She should have expected that she wasn’t going to find love, now. It would have been too easy.   
But still, she couldn’t help but feel sad. 

 

Wednesday morning; 7.00

Sana opened her eyes. Her heart remembered. Her stomach remembered. She wished she could go back to sleep and forget that tiny little thing that still hurts her. It was nothing. She was wrong. He wasn’t into her. He got mad for some reason. Sana was too oblivious when it came to her feelings so he freaked out because he didn’t feel the same way.   
She had no fucking clue, really.

This was why she shouldn’t have let herself fall. Because somehow, somewhere, it hurts.  
But it’s fine. It’s fine. She should move on, now. 

 

*

 

She joined Elias in the kitchen. He was eating a bowl of cereal, trying to fight sleep. The boy was still unsure about what he was going to do the year after. It felt like he was living in the moment. It felt like he was taking a day at a time. His life’s motto was Karpe Diem so it wasn’t surprising. But still, Sana felt like something else was there, standing in between.

Both of them were in no mood to talk. They just sat in silence and all that could be heard for a while was them chewing their cereals. 

Elias eventually broke the silence. 

“Going back with the dark eyeliner?” He asked

“No, I just felt like it today.” She answered

“Fair enough”, he nodded.

He paused

“Hey listen, about Yousef…”

Her heart skipped a beat just by hearing his name. She cut him out.

“Can we not talk about that, please? Anything but that.” 

He looked at her comprehensively.

“Yeah okay.”

“Tell me about your plans for next year, instead” She smiled.

He shrugged.

“Still in process”

She looked at him.

“Elias?” She eventually asked hesitantly. It had been a while since they last talked. Really talked. And she missed that. She missed that bond she created with him.   
He looked up from his bowl.

“Yeah?”

“Are you alright?”

“Yeah”, he replied nonchalantly.

“No, really, are you alright? I’ve seen the way this last year of high school weighed on you. Not really because of class but mostly because more was at stake, your future, I mean. And I know how mom and dad can put a lot of pressure on your shoulders even though they just want you to be happy. Because I know they want you to be successful and happy.”

“Can we not talk about that please? Anything but that.” Repeating her.

She sighed

“Elias…”

“Sana, I’m fine. Or… I will be. Don’t be concerned about me. It should be the other way around. I should be the one taking care of you.”

“You are!”

“No, I was.”

It was true. Elias was always really supportive of whatever his sister did. He always protected her when she was met with hate at school, in the streets, in stores. He just wasn’t that much there anymore.

“It’s fine. I can take care of myself.”

“You shouldn’t do it by yourself, though.”

“Why are we throwing the ball at each other, anyway? Why are we talking about that kind of stuff? It’s 8am, it’s not the right time.”

“Fuck, it’s 8 already? I’m late.”

He hurried back to his room to take his grey sweatshirt and his backpack and came back to the kitchen.

“Sana?”

She was back focused on her bowl of cereals, trying not to let the thoughts taking adventure into her brain.

“Mmh?”

“We’ll try to talk more. We should make time for us.”

She smiled.

“Agreed. Now go!!”

And he left.

Elias and Sana always had a peculiar connection. It was probably because Elias was only two years older than Sana, but still. They were not afraid to talk or to share things. When they were younger, they would spend hours playing video games in Elias’ room. So much that their mother had to drag them out for them to have dinner. They used to play basketball in the backyard every Saturday morning, they used to go for a run every Sunday evening. They used to talk about their fears and their plans. But somehow, they grew up, and this bond somehow faded away. Sana became a woman and Elias became a man, and this characterization put them in a different box and separated them. She misses him. She wished they talked more. She was glad Elias felt it too, though. 

 

*

School was good. It kept her mind busy. The girls kept her mind busy. Isak kept her mind busy. Summer vacations were coming quickly and students at Nissens could feel it. There was still a month left but half the students were missing in most classes and teachers looked less stressed from work. The sun was out, everyone was sitting outside, it was nice. 

“I’m telling you, Sana, I nailed this exam. I’m pretty sure I’m getting a six.”

Isak and her were getting out of biology class and it’s been a week but Isak hadn’t stopped from bragging about how well he did on his exam.

Sana sighed. “Isak, once again, the only reason you “nailed” this exam, is because I helped you.”

“Let me have this, Sana.”

“Oh no, I’m not letting anyone have this. I know what I’m good at, and I know you needed my help for this exam. I’m sorry to tell you this, but you’re not getting a 6.”

“Why don’t you let me have this at least once?!”

“Because that way, when you see your grade you won’t be that disappointed. I’m doing this for you, Isak. You’ll thank me when you won’t get a 6.”

“I hate you.”

“You love and admire me.”

He rolled his eyes. “Oh my God, Sana”

 

*

 

When she came home, she heard the boys laughing in Elias’ room. Her heart started to beat faster and she needed a few minutes to calm down and see things straight. She didn’t do anything wrong. If she did see them, him, then she couldn’t blame herself, for she didn’t do anything wrong.

She went to the kitchen to grab some snacks and found her parents sipping tea and discussing. It was nice to see them like this. Still taking time for themselves, still enjoying time together. It was nice.

“Hi, honey” her mother smiled as she kissed her daughter on the cheek.

“Hey mom, hi dad” Sana replied as she kissed her father’s forehead.

“How was school? Did your teacher give back your exam? How did you do?” 

Sana’s father was really eager to know how their kids were doing at school. Not especially because he wanted them to have great grades, but because he knew how much it meant to Sana to succeed.

“No, not yet, next week inshAllah” Sana replied.

“I’m sure you did great, don’t worry about it.”

“Do you want some tea?” Her mother asked

“Yeah, why not.”

Sana sat down next to her father and listened to her parents as they resumed their conversation. She had almost finished her tea when Elias and his friends came in. But he wasn’t there. Yousef wasn’t there. Mikael, Adam, Muttasim, even Even were there. But Yousef wasn’t. It was odd. Yousef was always there. All of them greeted Mr and Mrs Bakkoush altogether. 

“Assalam Mr and Mrs Bakkoush, how are you?!  
-How’s work, Mr Bakkoush?  
-You look good Mrs Bakkoush!  
-My mom says hi Mrs Bakkoush”

Sana’s parents barely understood what the boys were saying, so they just nodded with a smile.

“One is missing, right?” His father noticed

“Oh yeah, Yousef is the brightest of us, he stayed home to study for some exam.” Elias replied.

“Mom”, Elias continued “we’re going out to the gym, I’ll be back in two hours.”

“Yeah, okay, do you guys want some tea before going out?”

“No, thanks, mom, we’re fine.”

“Ok, then, have fun”

 

*

 

On Thursday, she saw Kassim at school. Not that she cared but it reminded her that she forgot to message the girl from the local mosque he had told her about. As soon as she got back home, she messaged her.

To Linda:  
Assalam ‘aleykum Linda, this is Sana Bakkoush. Kassim told me about some events your local mosque wanted to organize and he asked me if I could join.

From Linda:  
Oh yeah, ‘Aleykum salam Sana, nice to meet you. Yes, we’re organizing this event in two weeks, and we need people to join. It was really nice of Kassim to ask you, though, and it’s even nicer to see you getting involved. Barakallahufik.

To Linda:  
Yeah, no problem. What should I do?

From Linda:   
Can we meet this Saturday? That way I’ll explain everything face to face. 

To Linda:   
Yeah, where?

From Linda:  
We could meet at Gunerius, have some coffee and talk? Let’s say around 15:00?

To Linda:   
Yeah, ok, I’ll be there

From Linda:  
Great! Thank you, again.

She turned off her phone and heard a loud conversation happening in the living room, it sounded like a fight.

“No means no, Elias, you can’t ask us that!”

“But mom, there’s nothing for me here!”

“And there’s something for you there? What? Tell me, then.”

“I don’t know, but hopefully I’ll find out.”

“You need to plan your projects, Elias, you can’t live through the day like this.”

“But he’ll help me out, he’s a good guy.”

“Of course, he’s a good guy, Elias. But he planned his projects, he’s making something out of his life, you can’t follow him just because he is your friend.”

“Mom…”

“Think about it for a day or two, try to figure out what you want, come out with a plan. Then, we’ll sit, and talk about it.”

Elias sighed.

“Yeah, okay.”

“I’m doing this for your own good, Elias, trust me.”

“What’s going on?” Sana asked as she got into the living-room.

Elias was still upset. He didn’t want to answer so Sana turned to her mom.

“Mom, what’s going on?”

“Elias wants to go to Madrid, next year.” Her mother sighed

“Madrid? That’s new. What for?” 

“Well, Yousef is going to study there next year, so mister young Bakkoush figured he could go with him. Except that he has not applied to any college yet, and he has no idea what he’ll do there.”

Sana froze. 

“Yousef is going to Madrid?” She mumbled. “For how long?” She managed to say.

“A semester or two” Elias said. “He’s still trying to figure that out, because you know, his parents trust him enough to figure things out.”

“Elias…” his mother said.

 

But Sana was gone. She wasn’t listening to them anymore. Again. He was leaving? For a year? Why? How? Why didn’t he say anything the week before?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Barakallahufik: May God bless you.


	10. Chapter 10

June, July, August, September, October.

October.

It was getting cold. Sana couldn’t take long walks anymore. It was too cold. 

Saturday. 13:35

Bismillah Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahim*

Sana’s soft voice was barely audible when she recited Quran. She had picked up the book right after Salah Dhur and was reading Surah Anaam*.

“If Allah touch thee with affliction, none can remove it but He; if He touch thee with happiness He hath power over all things.”

She knew that. All power is into God’s hands. She had to trust God on this one. She had to believe that what happened to her happened for a reason. To protect her from more pain, perhaps. God only knows. But it was tough. To live day after day not knowing where she was going or why what happened happened. It was hard for her to forget, but she eventually did.  
Nearly five months had passed since Sana had found out about Yousef leaving Oslo for Spain. She hadn’t heard from him since the day they went out together. He was gone now. Yousef was gone, and Sana eventually forgot about him. Sometimes he came back in her thoughts. Sometimes she remembered his kind smile, his warm hand, his laugh. And that made her smile. It was a nice time, but it’s not anymore. And it’s fine. Nothing between them had really happened, so why would she be sad about it? She wasn’t. Not anymore.

*

Tuesday 8:15

Sana had decided to take intensive biology lessons this year. They were 10 to have made this decision. But it was hard to get up earlier than everyone else. It was hard to go out into the cold when her bed was still warm. But her intentions were good. She was focused now. Good thing school was not far from her house. She wouldn’t have handled it well if she had to take the bus.

She arrived at school early. The classroom was still closed so she waited outside, sitting on the floor. She took out her phone and noticed a message.

From Linda:  
Did you wake up?! I know I had to wake you up but I forgot! I’m so sorry.

To Linda:  
Don’t worry, Elias woke me up before leaving for work.

Some things had changed since the day Sana found out about Madrid. Sana was hurt but she couldn’t let that tiny episode challenge her story. As planned, she met Linda the following Friday and the two girls bonded quickly. Which Sana didn’t expect to happen. But they did. They spent a lot of time together after the event and Linda came at Sana’s quite often. Linda got along with the girls’ squad as well, but mostly with Noora and Chris. All four girls spent a lot of time at Sana’s during the summer. Vilde and Eva rent a house in France and came back to Oslo one week before the first day of school. 

*

Elias didn’t go to Madrid. At first, it was hard for him to accept. But it mostly felt like it was hard for him to accept the fact that he was allowed to do whatever the hell he wanted while he didn’t have any clue on what to do. 

Sana and him got to spend more time together, which she enjoyed. They talked a lot about what they wanted to be, about what they were afraid of, about anything, really. He decided to spend the following year working and was lucky enough to find a job at the gym. It kept him busy. And he knew the place well.

Elias and Noora spent a lot of time together as well during the summer. Sana didn’t know why or how that happened. It didn’t really look like they had a lot in common, but they enjoyed each other’s company. 

Sana also found out that Chris and Muttasim were dating since May. They hid their relationship until they randomly ran into each other at Sana’s in July. They had met at a party in April and had no idea they both knew Sana. Until that day in July. It was unexpected yet cute. And serious. It was probably their first serious relationship. 

So yes, quite a few things happened during the summer. Sana made a new friend. New relationships were growing. Yousef left. Sana moved on. 

*  
Same Tuesday. 15.46

Sana ran into Kassim. Oh yes, something else had happened during the summer.

*  
She and Kassim hanged out more often. They had become good friends, Sana had even met his little sister. 

It was the 1st of July. They had gone for a run that morning. They had done that quite often as well. Sana had once told him her brother didn’t want to run with her anymore so he offered to go with her. And she accepted. She didn’t read too much into this, because who would? Well, he did.

They were sitting on a bench, they were silent. He looked quietly at her, breathed in, and eventually said:

“Sana?”

“Yeah, what’s up?”

She was playing with the ring her grandmother gave her when she visited her in Morocco the year before.

“There’s something I need to tell you.”

She looked up. He looked stressed. 

“What is it?” She asked, concerned.

He took a deep breath and looked down.

“Remember the first day we met?”

Sana frowned. 

“Not really, no, sorry. Why?”

“I do.” He smiled. “You got into the bus with your friends and you were smiling. You looked up and saw me and it felt like you were smiling to me.”

She laughed.

“Haha, really? I don’t remember that.”

He continued.

“That was it.”

Sana frowned again.

“That was it what?”

“That was the moment I knew I liked you.”

Sana froze. Her body froze. But her brain froze as well. It was impossible for her to think straight because she couldn’t think. At all. What was she supposed to say? Do? Feel? What was she supposed to feel?

“Sana?” She eventually heard.

She looked up. And saw him. What was she supposed to say?

“No. This can’t be happening.” She whispered

“What?”

“You don’t like me, Kassim.”

He looked confused.

“What? Yes, I do”

“No.” She repeated.

“Fuck this, I do, Sana, what’s wrong with you?”

“I can’t do that.”

She paused. Kassim looked confused, lost. 

“I got to go.” She eventually said. 

And she left.

 

*

 

The following day, Chris texted her but she didn’t reply.

 

*

 

The day after, Linda texted her. But she didn’t reply either. She didn’t know what to say.

 

*

 

The day after, both Kassim and Noora texted her. But she didn’t reply. 

 

*

 

The day after, all girls showed up at Sana’s door. She expected it to happen. These girls couldn’t let go.

“You can’t possibly believe we’re going to leave you after you leave us with no answer for three whole days.” Noora told her.

They all sat on Sana’s bed. Each one of them had brought something to eat. “It’s the best way to spend an afternoon” Vilde used to say.

“So what’s up?” Chris asked.

All girls were staring at Sana with wide eyes.

“Nothing.” She replied in disdain. That’s the best way she could reply.

“Spill it out” Noora said.

“Yeah, just tell us” Linda continued, as she chewed some gummy bears.

“It’s nothing, really.” She mumbled

But the girls wouldn’t let go. She looked down.

“Ok fine, Kassim told me he liked me.” She quietly said.

A silence followed. That was not what Sana expected. She thought all three girls would scream or get all hyped about it. Which is probably why she didn’t want to tell them about it. But instead, they just remained silent.

“Well” Sana said raising her eyebrows. “Aren’t you going to say something? Isn’t that why you’re here?”

“We are here to cheer you up, Sana” Chris said. 

“And obviously, Kassim’s declaration didn’t make you that happy.” Linda continued.

“I… just… didn’t know what to say, so I just got aggressive and left.” 

“Do you like him?” Noora asked

Sana sighed. “I don’t think I do, no. But I don’t know, I’ve never seen him like that. He was just a friend.”

“Then you have to tell him that. Just, take it slow, be true to what you feel.” Noora said

“But what if I’m wrong about rejecting him? What if I can grow feelings for him eventually. Because he’s a good guy, you know. And he’s a Muslim. And… I don’t know what to think.”

“There isn’t just one Muslim guy, Sana, and you’re just 15, soon 16. It’s nothing.” Chris said.

“Yeah… I just want that episode to leave my mind for a while. Can we do something else?”

“Let’s watch My Fair Lady! It’s such a classic!” Noora said with a kind smile.

So they did. And Kassim left Sana’s mind for a while.

 

*

 

Linda sent her a message the day after:  
Hey! Can we talk?

To Linda:  
Sure, what’s up?

From Linda:  
Look, I didn’t really want to talk in front of the girls, mostly because I don’t really know them yet, but you probably noticed I didn’t say much about the incident.

To Linda:  
Indeed, I have noticed.

From Linda:  
Ok, then, let me tell you this:

Sana, there isn’t something right or wrong to say about this. This remains your choice. And I know why you have all these questions, I’ve had them too. As we live in a western country, when we find a good Muslim guy, the first thing that comes to our mind is “hey he’d be a good husband, I’ll probably won’t find someone like this again.” And then the pressure comes in if your family or friends say the same as well. But I don’t want to believe all we deserve is just a “good Muslim guy we get along with” when everyone around us has found love, you know? I don’t want to believe all I am is just “a good Muslim girl” because I am so much more than that. And so are you. So anyways, if you want to take it easy, and put your heart at rest, just do it. Tell him you don’t like him that way. If you want to try something, do it. It’s good Noora and Chris were chill about it yesterday because I’ve had friends that were not. So I am glad you have them too. 

To Linda:  
Thank you, I needed that. 

From Linda:  
<3

To Linda:  
Can I tell you something?

From Linda:  
Sure, what’s up? 

To Linda:  
There’s someone else… But it’s not going to work. Which is probably why I got stuck like this. Because someone else was in my head.

From Linda:  
Why isn’t it going to work?

To Linda:  
He isn’t a Muslim anymore. But anyways he just stopped to talk to me so that can’t work. But yeah, he isn’t a Muslim. So I shouldn’t even pursue that.

From Linda:  
I’m sure he’ll come around. Just don’t get stuck in the past. He’ll come around, I’m sure of it.  
Have I told you about my parents’ story? When they got married, my mother didn’t know my dad wasn’t a Muslim. She found out right after and it was tough. But she forgave him even though he never apologized. And a year later, they had my sister. And then me. I grew up with alcohol on the table, halal and non-halal food on our plates, hijabs and white people drunk at parties. I grew up with two cultures. That’s how I got to accept the people around me.  
When I was 8, my dad started to fast because he saw that I was fasting. When I started praying, he did too.  
He came around, Sana. Life is a journey, we give up and come back to things. We grow and we learn. I’m not saying that guy of yours is going to be a Muslim again, but people change.  
Life isn’t black and white. We are not good people because we’re Muslims and they aren’t bad people because they’re non-Muslims. We all make mistakes. You’re not a better person than I am because you wear the hijab and I don’t. I am not a better person than you are because I volunteer every Sunday morning and you don’t. We all live. We all try. That’s what humanity is.

To Linda:  
God, Linda, I didn’t ask you to write an essay on philosophy, haha.  
But thank you. I needed that. You’re right. Thank you.

From Linda:  
I’ll always be there to give you some wise words from wise Linda.

To Linda:  
Haha <3

 

*

 

Sana messaged him two days after. She wanted to be sure of what she was she was going to say. So she wrote it down first.

“Hi. I am sorry it took me so much time to come and talk to you. It’s not fair.  
I remember very clearly seeing you on the bus. You were “the cute guy with a curl falling on his face” I liked to see every once in a while. It was good, it almost became a routine. But you were a fantasy. You were the guy I talked to in a parallel universe. You were the guy I liked in a parallel universe. But it wasn’t that universe. You know, it’s just like Stephen Curry, I love the guy, but I would never fall in love with him. Because he’s a dream.  
But then, we talked. And sometimes, yes, I thought “that’s a good guy, maybe that’s all I deserve, a good guy.” But you and I both know we deserve a better story than “a good guy and a good girl who enjoy each other’s company”.  
To be honest, I don’t actually believe you like me. I believe you like that idea of me. The idea that your parents will love me and that my parents will love you. The idea that we will have a nice house and that we’ll spend our Sundays visiting our families. But Kassim, we’re only 15, 16. We need to take risks and be afraid. Which is why we can’t be together. You’ll always be my fantasy, the cute guy I saw in the bus. But I don’t think that’ll be good for us to be together. I hope you understand. I wish you the best.  
Sana.

 

*

 

So this was what happened that summer. 

Kassim saw her and he shyly smiled. And she smiled back.

He never replied to that message. Sana doesn’t know if he agreed or not. They never really talked again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I may or may not have erased William from Skam's existence. Oops
> 
> *Bismillah Ar-Rahman Ar-Rahim: In the name of Allah, the Beneficent, the Merciful  
> Anaam: the Cattle:


	11. Chapter 11

Tuesday, October 3rd. 15:57

He was staring at the window. The rain falling down reminded him of the day he screwed things up. The rain reminded him of the day he let go. There he was, in this hidden library in Madrid, wishing things were different, not able to let it go, not able to focus on his studies. 

Yousef had been talking about going to Spain for months before his parents let him go. And when he finally got them to say yes, he didn’t want to leave anymore. Because there was something for him there. 

He remembers the second he set eyes on her. He remembers the way she took his breath away. He remembers how her dark eyeliner surrounded her light brown eyes that he was finally able to meet when she got out of that bathroom on a Saturday morning. He remembers how cold her hand was when he first took it. He remembers how he wanted to take her into his arms to warm her. He remembers everything. He remembers the first time he saw her smile, the first time he saw those dimples genuinely appear.

*

It was probably two weeks after their first meeting. He hadn’t seen her ever since but he wasn’t really able to think about something else. His mother had asked him to go buy some stuff at Gronland on his way home. It was cold and he was tired but he went. The place was a multicultural melting pot. People coming from all parts of the world would meet at that place. He hadn’t gone in a while and it felt good to be surrounded by people who were so different they actually looked alike. That’s what he liked about that place. The people who built the country he lives in. They were all there.

And there she was too. Sipping some tea at a restaurant. Laughing with a blonde girl. She was so beautiful Yousef’s heart skipped a beat. She was genuinely laughing as if nothing was weighing on her shoulders. A light illuminated her face as if something great, something good was living inside of her. She didn’t see him. Which was surprising because he might have stared at her from across the street for about 5 long minutes. His phone eventually rang and cut him out of his daydream.

*

He had chosen to study communication. He was still unsure about what he was going to do with this. But he hoped that time and courses would inspire him for something good. Some classes were good and some were not as good. But it was nice to be abroad, when his mind didn’t wander. He had met quite some students coming from all over the world; Italy, France, Greece, Ireland, China, Argentina. It was really nice to gather and talk about each point of view. It didn’t matter where they came from, it didn’t matter what they believed in, all of them shared that experience together and that was already a lot.

He lived with an old lady called Maria and her dog, Henry. She had agreed to rent him a room for a very cheap price if he helped her around the house in exchange. She was very kind and generous. But she felt really lonely. Her children all lived in the country and her husband died a few years back. She needed help and company. It was quite an unexpected friendship but they got along really well. 

He still talked to Elias on a daily basis. A lot happened in this world but it still felt really good to see how people worldwide were able to connect through a screen. A simple screen. Obviously, he asked Elias about Sana on a daily basis. He always knew he would never be able to move on. But she needed to. And it appeared that she didn’t care that much. He was sure she had moved on. Why wouldn’t she?

Elias seemed to have found some common ground which is good because Yousef knows how it was hard for him to just decide what was right for him. As a person, Elias was really intelligent, he was able to talk about anything. And Yousef did know that he would do great in society, he would be able to fit in like a chameleon because that’s what he is. He was able to understand and respect people. He was able to make people feel like they are appreciated and important. There was some value in it. Being able to make people feel good. That’s exactly what he did when they first met.

 

*

 

They were 12. Yousef was a new kid, he had just moved in Oslo and had no friends at all. The first day of school, the teacher made them sit in alphabetical order. Right after Acar came Bakkoush. Yousef was quite shy, but Elias, well Elias was the king of the class. It was already obvious that everyone loved him. And that every girl in the room was madly in love with him. And he knew that. He enjoyed that.

“So what’s your name?” He asked Yousef

Yousef looked up. Elias was smiling at him.

“Yousef, You?” 

“Elias. You’re new here, right?”

“Yes, I used to live in Drammen.”

“Oh nice! I’ll tell you, you’re going to love it here. The kids are cool, teachers are ok I guess, pretty girls everywhere.”

“Oh, you can keep the girls, I’m fine, thanks”

“Oh shit you’re gay? So cool!”

“No!! No!! No I don’t really want a girlfriend now.”

“Ah cool. I’d totally dig it if you were though.”

“Elias, can you stop talking please? Let’s try to focus now, vacations are over.” The teacher interrupted him.

“But ma’am, I’m trying to welcome the new kid here, that’s important.”

“That’s really kind of you, Elias, but you can do that during lunch break”

“Well no, that break is made for eating, ma’am”

The class laughed.

“Choose your priorities Elias”

“Alright ma’am.” He turned to Yousef “Yousef I apologize, we’ll have to continue this conversation later.”

Yousef laughed. Elias replied with a smile.

 

*

 

That’s how it went. Elias introduced Yousef to his friends but Yousef and Elias mostly hanged out together. Elias was black, Yousef was white and they complemented each other.  
Unfortunately, Elias went to a private school the year after. He didn’t really explain why, but mostly because it was his parents’ decision. They didn’t have a phone to communicate at that time and they tried to catch up online as much as they could but a few months were enough for them to stop talking. 

Destiny, it was probably. They found their way back in high school. Same old alphabetical order, it was just like old times.

“Bro! Yousef, it’s you, no way!”

“Elias, no way, we’re back together!”

“That’s so cool!”

“Yousef, Elias, we’re in class now. Please, if you want to discuss it’ll be outside class.” The teacher told them.

And since that day, it was Elias and Yousef. Always. Yousef and Elias. Always.

It took him two years to meet Elias’ sister, though. Elias had mentioned her from times to times and Yousef had caught a glimpse of her once or twice but he never actually met her. Until that day. 

And the rest are memories.

 

*

 

He needed to focus now. But it was hard, hard to find a sense into what he was reading, hard to write down what was important and get rid of what was not, hard to just focus. He looked around him. There were only old people focused on reading some archived newspapers and political books. Yousef could have studied at the university, really. But the place was always full and he feels pressured when so many students are studying around him. He liked quiet people but mostly he liked quiet minds.  
There he was, then. Trying to focus when he didn’t want to. Trying to study when Oslo was in his mind. He couldn’t right now. He needed some fresh air. He grabbed his stuff and went out. 

It wasn’t cold but it wasn’t hot either. The weather was quite different from what he was used to in Oslo. But he liked it. It was soft.

He texted Alessandro, a fellow student, who came from Italy and who he befriended with in college.

From Yousef:  
Are you out? Want to hang out?

To Yousef:  
Sure, where to?

From Yousef:  
We could hang out around La Latina, what do you think?

To Yousef:  
Sure, see you there in 30 minutes?

From Yousef:  
Yup

 

*

 

Yousef arrived first. He had bought two coffees at Starbucks before. He was looking at some young guys skating when Alessandro arrived.

“Yo! What’s up?”

Alessandro was a tall skinny blond guy with glasses. He was a year older than Yousef but he looked younger. He wore clothes too large for him which made him look even younger. But he was very smart and very mature. He was the first one who talked to Yousef and made him feel like he was welcome there. He was the reason why he wasn’t feeling homesick.

“Brought you some coffee” Yousef said handing him out the cup.

“Awww you’re such a gentleman, Yousef. Thank you.”

He took a sip and continued.

“No wonder Laura and Tanya have a crush on you.”

“Dude, once again. Stop it.”

“But look at you, you’re blushing! I like making you feel uncomfortable.” He laughed

Yousef stared at him.

“I don’t like it. So please, just stop.”

“Fine, fine.”

He paused and looked at some guy falling over his skate.

“Ouch!!” Both of them said together.

“So, tell me Yousef. What’s up?”

Yousef sighed.

“Couldn’t managed to study, so I called you.”

“She’s still in your mind, isn’t she?”

Yousef looked up and examined his friend’s face. He had told him. Of course, he had told him. Alessandro had almost forced the words out of his mouth.

Yousef didn’t answer and Alessandro took it as a yes. 

“Have you tried to reach out to her? Send her a message?”

“What for? I wouldn’t know what to say, or what for.”

“You need to figure that out, Yousef. Because there’s no way you will be able to live like this your whole life.”

“I know.”

 

*

 

They eventually met some others guys and played basketball near Yousef’s apartment. Maria was watching TV when he came home. Henry was on her lap, asleep. Yousef came in  
and sat next to her.

 

“How have you been today Maria?” Yousef asked, smiling.

“Good, good. Henry and I went for a walk and then the ladies came over the home.”

“Oh! How are Melissa and Veronica?” 

Melissa and Veronica were always very nice to Yousef, they taught him a lot on cooking and sewing. Which appeared to be very useful tools he was glad he had been taught those.

“They’re good, though a little bit sad because you weren’t there. They brought the cookies you love.”

“Oh, I’ll try to come by Melissa’s house tomorrow then! How nice of her, I’ll gladly take the cookies. Have you had dinner?”

She smiled.

“Not yet, I was waiting for you. Would you mind cooking? I’m a bit tired.”

“Sure thing, what do you want me to cook?” He asked her

“You could make something quick, I’m not that hungry. Pasta perhaps?”

Yousef raised his eyebrows.

“You need some vegetables, Maria, you know what the doctor said.”

“Yeah, fine. There are some peas in the freezer.”

Yousef got up and entered the kitchen. The sun was falling down so he turned the light on and opened the freezer and took the peas out.

 

And he remembered Sana. And he smiled.


	12. Chapter 12

December. 2015. 24th. Sana’s sixteenth birthday.

 

She doesn’t know why or how but the second she opened her eyes, she felt her heart tightened. The first thought she had was of Yousef. She doesn’t know why or how. She had forgotten about him. Or at least, she thought she had. 

She missed him.

 

She didn’t want to.

 

But she missed him. 

She stayed there, staring at her wall for an hour or two. Her thoughts came one after the other and it felt like she was living them. At 11.00 she eventually heard her mom calling her. She had to get up. But she didn’t want to. She wanted to be alone. 

She got up, still feeling… sad? She thinks it was sadness. Went to the bathroom, got into the bathtub, let the water fall upon her face. What was going on? It was her sixteenth birthday. She was supposed to be happy. 16 is a good number. She was supposed to be happy.

Getting out of the bathtub, she saw her reflection in the mirror. She always looked paler in December. She always looked more tired in December. She was always more tired in December.

*

When she got into the kitchen, her mother and her father were there. Her mother took her into her arms, tears falling on her cheeks. Her father kissed her forehead. 

“Happy birthday my dear girl. We’re so proud of what you have become.”

Sana smiled kindly.

“Thanks dad. Mom, please, it’s just a birthday, don’t get all emotional.”

“I just can’t believe you’re 16 already, such a big girl.”

Sana hugged her mother.

“Mom, please, I’m still the same as I was yesterday!”

She paused, resting into her mother’s arms.

“I’ll be going out meet the girls if that’s alright.” She continued

“Sure thing, invite them over so we can eat altogether tonight, yeah?”

Sana smiled to her mother once again and nodded yes.  
She went back to her room to pick her bag and her coat and left.

*

The girls had already ordered coffee when she arrived. They all hugged her and gave her a card and some flowers. They all looked so happy to be there and celebrate Sana’s birthday together they didn’t really notice she was a little bit down. She was quiet all morning but she was often quiet anyway so why would they notice? 

Sana looked out the window while sipping a warm coffee. It was snowing. On Christmas’ Eve. Obviously. It was a bit cliché but beautiful. The landscape was white. It felt like they were stuck in an old movie. No colours. Just white. A light fog covered the streets and it was hard to see clearly. 

Sana wasn’t really able to see things clearly anyway. She wasn’t able to see things straight since the day she met Yousef. 

She wanted love to be easy. She wanted to fall in love like leaves fall in autumn. She wanted to fall in love like rain falls on people’s faces. She wanted to fall in love in the easy way. 

But she realized it wasn’t easy. And she wanted to forget about him. And sometimes she managed to forget about him. There were good and bad days. And today was a bad day. She wondered what he was doing. Who he was talking to. How he did on his exams. She wondered if he was happy. He probably was. 

Elias sometimes mentioned him at home. But he tried not to talk about him in front of her. Because he knew she didn’t like that. But deep down, she wanted to know, she wanted to listen to him.

Because a part of her couldn’t let go. 

Because when she talked to him, it felt like there was just him and her. Because when they were together, she forgot about all the hate she had to face. Because when she was with him, it was easy. She wasn’t scared to speak her mind, she wasn’t scared to be the child that lived within her, she wasn’t scared to smile. 

“Sana?” Eva interrupted her thoughts.

She turned to face them.

“Yeah?!” She smiled at them

“What are you doing today then?” Noora asked

“I’m spending the afternoon with Linda and the evening with my family. But mom invited you over, it’d be cool if you guys came.”

“Sure!” Chris smiled. “What time?”

“Is 20:00 good for you guys?” Sana asked

“Heck yes!” 

*

Sana spent the afternoon at Linda’s. Her mother was kind enough to bake a cake that they ate together watching Primal Fear. Linda always thought it was Edward Norton’s best work though Sana thought he was better in American History X. Her little brother Hakeem eventually joined them and it felt good to have her mind busy for a few hours.   
She came back home at around 18:00 and her parents, her father’s sister Hameeda and her 6 years- old daughter, Sarah, were there to celebrate Sana’s birthday. 

“Happy birthday ya benti*! Ya Allah*, you’re a woman now!”

“Thank you amti*! It’s so nice to see you!”

Sarah was playing with Elias and the boys in the living room. When Sana got into the room, Adam was carrying Sarah above him like she was some sort of plane. 

“Ahahaha, stop it Adam, it’s going so fast!!”

“Hey Sana!” Mikael said “Happy birthday!”

“Happy birthday Sana!” Mutasim repeated

“Sana!!!!” Sarah screamed as Adam put her down so that she could go and hug her cousin. Unfortunately, the little girl fell halfway through the way. But it didn’t stop her from laughing. She got back up and hugged Sana.

“Happy birthday!!”

“Thank you, darling!” She replied as she kissed her on the cheek.

*

The dinner went by very well. All the people Sana cared about were there to celebrate her birthday. And that was enough. It should be enough, right? Her mind didn’t wander that evening. She was happy, because she loved the people surrounding her. She was happy.

*  
She was about to fall asleep when she got the text. It was an unknown number. A number from another country. 

“Happy birthday. I hope you had the best of birthdays. Yousef.”

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

One day, two days, three days. 

She didn’t answer. She was never going to answer. Why would she? 

He woke up on the 24th of December and she was the first thought he had. His eyes were still closed, yet she was there. Her face was there. He could clearly see her. He didn’t want to open his eyes because if he did, then her face would disappear. He wanted it to be there. Always.

Unfortunately, Maria woke her up.

“Yousef!” She screamed. “The TV won’t work once again, I’m going to miss my show!”

It was 9 in the morning. 9:00. Yousef was pretty sure Maria was up since 6 in the morning. That’s what happens when you live with old people, Yousef thought. To him 9 is the morning. To her, 9 is the middle of the day.

“Yousef!” She repeated.

He eventually opened his eyes, and Sana disappeared. He got up and helped Maria. It was a new remote she somehow struggled to use. He sat by her side with a bowl of cereals, chewing in silence. 

He looked out the window, the sun was cold but it was there. Winter is certainly less intense in Madrid but it’s still cold. It wasn’t snowing or raining it was just cold. And sunny.   
Yousef could see some kids playing in the basketball field outside. They didn’t seem to mind the cold. Or the early hour. 

He never expected to fall for his best friend’s sister. He never expected to feel the way he felt when he saw her for the first time. He never expected he wouldn’t see things straight since the day he met her. But he saw her smile, and that was enough to make him feel like she was the only girl in this world. And when he talked to her, it felt like there was just him and her. Because when they were together, all he wanted was to make her laugh because he was in love with her soft laugh. Because when he was with her, it was easy. Because he wanted to make her feel like she was loved and cared for. Because she made him feel like he was the funniest and smartest guy on earth. 

But he realized it wasn’t easy. And he wanted her to forget about him. And she probably did. But he never forgot about her. How could he? He wondered what she was doing. Who she was talking to. How she did on her exams. He wondered if she was happy. She probably was. 

“So what are you going to do today?” Maria interrupted her thoughts. “I am going to Church tonight, I suppose you wouldn’t want to come with us, would you?”

“I am meeting some friends from University later today. I think we’ll just stay in and play video games.”

“Alright then, you have the keys if you get home earlier than me.”

“Yup.” 

Maria observed Yousef with concern.

“Are you alright though, dear?”

Yousef frowned.

“Yes, why?”

“You look thoughtful and quiet.”

“I’m fine, I promise.”

She was the one to frown this time

“Hmm” she eventually said and came back to her show.

“What is it, Maria?” Yousef asked her.

“Well you’re a bit transparent Yousef. I know when something is on your mind.”

“Yeah well yes, then, something is on my mind.” He eventually said

“A girl, perhaps?” She asked

“How would you know?”

“Well, my dear, love is a great trouble of us humans. It gives us hope and light. But it also gives us trouble. We just choose to believe that it’s worth it.”

“Is that what you think?”

“I think that we are so scared to be happy we put barriers on our way. And that creates trouble. Love doesn’t bring trouble. We bring trouble.”

“That’s quite wise, Maria.”

“I have to justify the cliché of the wise old lady though.”

He shrugged.

“Do you want to talk about it?” She continued

“I don’t think so… I think you helped me in some way.”

“Ah! These wise old ladies helping out even when telling some shitty philosophical stuff.”

He laughed. “Thank you, Maria.”

“Anytime, my dear.”

And she came back to her show.

*

He joined his friends at Alessandro’s and they spent most afternoon and evening playing and eating. He went back home at around 23:00. He stared at his phone for about twenty minutes. He stared at the unsend message he had written for another good twenty minutes. He sent the message. Closed his phone. Didn’t sleep.

*

One day.

Two days.

Three days.

 

She wasn’t going to answer. Why would she? What was there to answer? Why would she answer? She had every reason to be upset. She had every reason to give up on him. He wasn’t even sure she liked him the way he did. Does. The way he does. 

Why did he send it, though? Because she couldn’t leave his thoughts? She hadn’t left his thoughts since the day they met. And now, it hurt. It hurt to think about her. 

 

*

 

A month later and there was no answer. Every morning though, every morning, Yousef would open his eyes and hope she had sent something, anything. But her silence was the most painful answer. And he deserved that silence. 

He managed to do great in college, though. He had no idea how, but he did. His parents were obviously very pleased and offered him the possibility to stay there for another five months. He thought about it. About how much he enjoyed spending time with Maria and her friends. With Alessandro and all the others people he had met. Even the girls who kept flirting with him. He enjoyed eating tons of tapas on Wednesdays, he enjoyed watching soccer games in crowded bars. He enjoyed the tourists wandering in La Gran Via, he enjoyed walking in El Palacio Real de Madrid. He enjoyed so many things. Yet, he wanted to come home. He wanted to go back to his friends, to his home, to Sana.   
He wanted to fix things up. He didn’t know how, but he wanted to. And the first step to do that is to face what he’s been avoiding for more than seven months. 

So he told them.

 

He’s coming home.

 

To his family.

 

To his friends.

 

To Sana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ya benti: My daughter  
> Ya Allah: Oh my God  
> Amti: Darija for aunt (sister of the father)


	13. Chapter 13

Why did he text her? How? Why?  
She stared at his message for minutes, hours, days. Some part of her wanted to answer. Some part of her wanted to say “Thank you, I miss you”. Some part of her wanted to ask him “Why?”. Some part of her wanted to scream. Some part of her wanted to tell him, “Why? Why did you come into my life? Why did you mess with my feelings? Why does all become a blur when I think about you?” 

But the bigger part wanted to hurt him the way he hurt her. So, she didn’t reply. She left him on read. That’s all she could do.

Some days, she would look at his message. It was the only thing she had from him. It was the only thing she could have from him. 

She never knew how he got her number, but she figured out Elias had given it to him. Elias didn’t talk about him much. But she knew why he didn’t.

*

Monday. 8:00. Late January.

The intensive biology lessons were getting harder. But she held on. She loved to think, she loved to learn more about the brain, about nature, about the way everything surrounding her had a meaning. And this is right where her religious beliefs and her love for science connected. How everything that God made has a meaning. How every human limb has a purpose, even the ones we don’t use every day. How the inside of carrots looks like eyes and are beneficial for the eyes. How bees are there to pollinate the food. How the day follows the night. Everything has a meaning. And she loved to learn about that. It made her love for Allah grow even more. Her faith was getting stronger, and she felt more at peace with the way she lived. Surely, with hardship comes ease.

Something had changed within Sana. Evolved, probably. She didn’t hate the world as much as she did before. It doesn’t mean she wasn’t met with hate anymore. She was. She was stared at on her way to school in the morning. She was stared at when she was out with the girls and Linda at the mall. A lady once even told her “you and that thing on your head don’t belong here” when she was passing her in the street.

But instead of letting the hate inside the way she used to, she just opened her Quran several times a week. And she read the words of God. And in every verse she read, she found some meaning to what she was living. And slowly, it was easier to go out. She tried to meet hate with love as much as she could. She tried not to be unnecessarily mean and she tried to open up more and talk about how important her faith means to her.

Wednesday, 14:50

She ran into Kassim in the hallway. Literally. Her head collided on his torso. They couldn’t avoid each other anymore. Neither dared speak for a while. Before it eventually got too awkward to handle, Kassim broke the silence.

“Coffee?” He asked shyly

She smiled kindly.

“Sure.”

*

They walked quietly towards the nearby coffee they once ordered to what feels like ages ago. It was too cold to drink outside so they remained in the little coffee shop. Many others students had the same idea and were drinking some hot beverage all over the place. It was warm and the smell of coffee made Sana feel home.

“We probably should have talked a while ago.” Kassim said

“I figured you didn’t want to talk to me, I didn’t want to force you to do so.” Sana replied

He sighed.

“I should have, though. It was not fair to you, or me. I just didn’t know what to say.”

“Do you, now?” She asked

He smiled.

“I can try.”

He took a deep breath.

“I think you were right… I know, you were right. At least, I do now. And I am not blaming anyone in particular. My family talked about marriage since I was a kid, they talked about it so much it had become stressful. And I am sure my family is not the only one.”

“I know, my family does too.”

He shrugged.

“Many North Africans families talk a lot about it then, right? I am only 17 yet it’s been on my mind for ages. As if… as if marriage was a goal and not a journey. And I guess that unconsciously I tried really hard, too hard, even, to find someone to love. So, when I met you, I started to like you because in some way I thought, if I meet my future wife now, it’d be done, I would be one step closer to have my life the way I want-the way my parents want.”

“Is that what you want, though?” She asked

“I don’t think so, not yet. I am not fully aware of what I want, I am still trying to figure that out.”

“If I’m being honest, I think that’s it. We are still in construction. And we need to know what we are and what we want before we let ourselves consider anything near marriage.”

He nodded.

“You’re right.” He added with a smile. “Thank you, though.”

She frowned

“What for?”

“This. You helped me realize what was deep down.”

“Ha! Anytime!” She paused and eventually smiled kindly. “You’ll find your soulmate though, trust God.”

“I do. And, you will too, Sana.”

Her heart tightened when she heard his words. But she managed to smile.

“So, tell me” He added “What did I miss in your life these past few months?”

So she told him about Linda, she told him about her biology lessons, about her lonely jogs. And he told him about her sister, about his tortoise, still well and alive. And they talked for hours. They laughed. And this was it. They were friends again. 

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

February 4th, 18:56

He was waiting at the airport. Elias promised he was going to come pick him up yet he wasn’t answering his phone. Yousef was already stressed out and couldn’t think straight enough to even dare go home by himself. His heart beat faster than it had ever beaten before. It was a constant feeling of fear, stress and hope. People always say the fear of a future event feels worse than the actual event. Yousef wasn’t sure about that. This was going to be hard.

He eventually saw Elias appear behind a group of ladies he was trying to pass by. 

“I thought you were coming with the boys” Yousef told him once Elias approached.

“I figured you needed some quiet time before the storm comes out.” Elias laughed.

Yousef looked at his friend, all serious.

“Dude, not fair.”

“You’re right, sorry.” He replied as he took him into his arms. “I missed you, bro”

“Awww I missed you too” Yousef laughed. “So, tell me” He continued, “What’s going on with you?”

“Not much” Elias replied “Work, mostly. Done some research to what I’m going to do next year with Noora.”

“Yeah? What did you guys find?”

“There’s this program, a Bachelor degree, actually, that forms students to work in film and TV production. I’m thinking about applying.”

“Yeah? That’d be something you would like to do?”

“I think so… I’m still working on figuring it out.”

“I hope you will. I know you will.” 

“Thanks.”

“So, you and Noora” Yousef added “Is it going well?” 

“Better than you and Sana” Elias laughed

Yousef frowned.

“Dude. Again. Stop it.”

“You’ll fix it dude. Chill.”

Yousef didn’t reply. He hoped he would. He wanted to fix things up. He needed to fix things up. They got home safely. Elias slept at Yousef’s that night. They shared a nice dinner along with his family. Her mother was so happy to have her son back she cooked three different meals, Yousef’s favourites. She added some Turkish tea and Baklava for desert. Some light appeared in Elias’ eyes when he saw those appear. It looked like he had just fallen in love.

Yousef needed to think about what he was going to say. How. When. He needed to write it down. No. That was stupid. He couldn’t read something to her. He wanted to tell her the truth, he wanted to tell her why he was acting that way, why he did what he did. Was she going to ignore him? Was she going to yell at him? Did she even care about the fact that he left without saying a thing? She probably didn’t even care. 

6th of February

Yousef had spent the day before sleeping. He needed this. His bed. It felt so good getting back in his bed, his habits. Elias had left in the morning since he needed to go to work. Yousef hadn’t left his bed. He didn’t want to. Just for that day. A quiet day. 

He got up the next morning and went for a walk before going to the University of Oslo. Class only began the week after but he needed to meet the administrative staff to fix some paperwork. He went to buy a coffee first and got out. It was still cold. The wind hit his uncovered hands that turned red as soon as he got out of the coffee shop. A light cold smoke got out of his mouth as he started to walk towards the nearby park.

The park was empty. It was a silly idea to go out by this low temperature. But Yousef had missed that. The weather. The landscape. The pollution-free air that got in and got out his lungs. He missed that. He sipped the hot coffee that warmed his soul living inside his cold body. 

He thought he was going to be alone. It was around 10 in the morning, in February. Nobody would ever dare take a walk by this time. He saw an old man approaching with a running dog though. The little dog hid behind Yousef’s legs and sat, caressing his foot. 

“I apologize” said the man as he got near Yousef. “Marcelius doesn’t usually like people. He doesn’t trust them.”

“It’s no problem” Yousef replied with a smile. “Why do you think he sat by me, then?” He asked

“My guess is that you are a good person and that you are trustworthy. He feels that.”

“I don’t know if that is true, though.”

“I trust Marcelius. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t have talked to you. Or sit next to you.” He paused. “I am Ludvig, by the way. And you are?”

“Yousef. Nice to meet you, Ludvig.” 

The old man replied by a smile but didn’t say anything back. 

“Isn’t it too cold for you to take a walk?” Yousef finally asked.

Ludvig smiled.

“I could ask you the same thing, though. Why are you here?”

“I just got back from abroad. I missed Oslo. Your turn.”

“Fair enough. I live alone with Marcelius. I wanted to stretch my legs. And so did he.”

Yousef nodded.

“Fair enough.”

Neither talked for quite some time, until Ludvig eventually broke the silence.

“You look stressed, Yousef.”

Yousef shrugged. 

“Aren’t we all?”

“We sure are. But is it going to change something to our future?” Ludvig asked

“We have no power in those things.” Yousef replied

“Then who does?”

Yousef sighed.

“Trust me, I’m thinking about this every day.”

“May I give you a word of advice, Yousef?” Ludvig added

He nodded.

“There is nothing we can control here. We think we can. We think we do. But if something good happens or if something bad happens, it was meant to happen. If we cry, if we laugh, if we fall in love, even, it was meant to happen. If we hurt someone, then it was meant to happen. For that we learn from all of the things we live, the success and the failures, the good and the bad, the people who provide us with happiness and the people who provide us with sadness. All we can do is live. For there is no goal. Only a journey. You should read that book, The Alchemist. It teaches us a lot on the way we live.”

Yousef shrugged.

“That was deep, Ludvig. Especially for a cold morning.”

“Ah yes. You have no idea how many lonely souls I meet in this park on a daily basis. They all need wise words. I am going to get on with my walk, then. I’ll let you think about this.”

“Thank you, Ludvig.”

And he left. Marcelius soon joined him and walked calmly by his side. 

*

The following Friday night, Elias asked him to come over at his house with the boys. He had promised him that Sana wasn’t there. So, he agreed. He knew he had to talk to her. He just didn’t want to run into her randomly in the middle of her living room.

Yousef arrived around 19:30. He was the first there and sat on the couch as soon as he arrived. Nothing had changed. It was like he never left. A smell of musk was spread all over the house and it felt like the house was spiritually habited. The place was quiet and Yousef couldn’t help but feel lighter when he was there.

Elias had gone fetch his computer in his room and Yousef was left on his own in the living room. He recognized Sana’s black hoodie hanging by the door and he smiled at the little feeling he had that nothing had really changed. 

The boys arrived 20-ish minutes later. All of them were so excited to see Yousef again he had barely the opportunity to breathe through all the hugs he was receiving. Or the opportunity to talk, really. They hadn’t changed. All talking at the same time. All screaming at the same time. All excited. It put Yousef in a great mood.  
They ordered Japanese food and pizzas because they couldn’t agree on what to get. All of them mixed up fish and meat without caring about getting sick later. They found some silly game they played for hours. At some point, Yousef had forgotten about all his worries. He was happy to be back with the boys.

He certainly didn’t hear the front door getting banged. He certainly didn’t hear the door of the living-room getting opened. He certainly didn’t see Sana as her eyes froze when she saw Yousef.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He was there. In front of her. Playing. As if he had never left. As if he lived there.  
She couldn’t move. She wishes she could. But she was stuck. Her feet were glued to the floor. And there was no way out. She was feeling numb all over again. She wanted to feel something, anger, sadness, love, something. She wanted to cry or to smile. But she could not.  
He was there.  
She wanted to leave before his eyes met hers. But she couldn’t.  
And eventually, he saw her. His smile slowly faded away. The world surrounding them disappeared for a second or two and the boys chanting very badly a song from Karpe Diem were not there anymore.  
They wanted to smile. Or cry. They wanted to do something. But they couldn’t.  
Yousef eventually approached her after what felt like hours but that were actually seconds.  
“You’re back” Sana muttered in such a low voice it was barely possible to hear her.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

At this moment, all the words Yousef wanted to tell Sana, all the things he had worked on and repeated in his head for days were long gone. He couldn’t think or talk. He couldn’t smile. He was a statue. And nothing more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Again, thank you for your comments!


	14. Chapter 14

“You’re back” She had muttered.

He almost didn’t hear her. But it didn’t matter. They were standing there in the living room, not paying attention to the world surrounding them. They had forgotten the way they felt when they were around each other. The world didn’t matter anymore. Nothing mattered anymore. All these months had gone but nothing had changed. No feeling, no love, no will had changed. 

“Hi” He said.

That’s all he could say. That was the only thing that came out of his mouth. He wasn’t sure of what he could say, of what he could think, of what he could do. 

She was just as beautiful as she was months ago. Some light came out of her face, as if she was an angel. She wore a grey hijab loosely. Grey looked good on her. 

He probably stared at her for minutes, hours, he didn’t know.  
But it was only seconds. 

He felt an arm pushing him towards the couch and just like that, he was between Mutta and Adam and Sana was out of reach. He looked up to catch a glimpse of her eyes but she was already gone.

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He was just as handsome as he used to be. A strand of hair was falling on his left eye and he kept it that way. The sweet light she used to see in his eyes was still there. He still owned that black sweatshirt she loved too much. 

But she was mad. At least she was supposed to be. How could she be. She had every reason to be mad at him. But she also wanted to be with him, around him, now more than ever.

*

She wasn’t able to sleep the following night. She wasn’t able to eat the following day. She was feeling numb all over again. Once again, she wished she could forget him. But she had not in almost eight months. How could she now that he was there?

*

They met again two days later. 

 

Sana had spent most Sunday afternoon in her room, studying, listening to music to get her focused on the work. Some seconds, though, she remembered of her life, of him. Some seconds were harder to be focused. 

The bell rang around 16:15. It rang once, twice, but nobody answered the door. Was she by herself? She hadn’t even realized. She got out of her room and opened the front door. 

Only to see that it was him. 

Him with his brilliant eyes and his kind smile. Him that she was not able to forget. Him.

He looked up but didn’t say anything. He just looked at her. In silence. 

Sana remained silent until she realized how confusing the situation was.

“Elias isn’t here” Sana eventually said. “He’s out with Noora”

“I know” he replied

Sana frowned.

“Then why are you here?” She asked

He remained silent for what felt minutes. 

“You.” He eventually whispered.

Sana looked at him with a confused look.

“Me? Why?”

“Don’t you know?” Yousef asked hesitantly

“Know what?!” She replied  
He didn't reply.

“Yousef" She repeated, "tell me, know what?”

Her heart was beating fast. She didn’t know why, she didn’t know what to feel or what to think, she was just there and he was just there and now was the time to talk. At least, she felt like it was.

“Take a walk with me?” Yousef eventually asked her.

She raised her eyebrows.

“In this cold?”

He shrugged. 

“Well, yeah, why not?”

She took a deep breath. 

“Well, then, alright. Hold on.”

Sana went to take her coat and phone and they got outside.

The wind was cold, almost freezing. It froze time, it froze the streets, the trees, the cars. Time had stopped. Streets were empty. Only Yousef and Sana were to be seen walking quietly. 

Quietly.

Only the sound of their feet hitting the ground could be heard. She was expecting for Yousef to talk first but he didn’t say anything. Why wasn’t he saying anything? Didn’t he want to take a walk to talk?

The landscape was white, the sky was white. The trees were naked, the cars were frozen. And it was all.

“Why did you want to see me, Yousef?” 

Sana broke the silence, it was too heavy. Too many words were hanging, untold. It was unbearable to see them above, untold, unheard. Unbearable to the landscape and to them.

“I wanted to talk to you” He replied.

He wasn’t looking at her. He was avoiding her eyes. He was afraid he could not talk if he looked at her.

“Well, need I remind you that we’re not talking right now?”

He sighed.

“I’m trying.”

“Ok” She replied.

And they got back to being silent for a while. They walked for about half an hour probably. Their bodies were all numb now. But it didn’t matter anymore. 

“Should we run?” He eventually asked

“Run?”

“Yeah, a race” He said with a smile.

Sana looked up. He was serious. He wanted to run. 

“Ok. ‘Til where?”

“All the way down this street?”

She looked down the road. This looked easy. It was going to be an easy victory. She smiled. He didn’t think this straight. She looked at him again. And nodded.

“On three?” He asked

“One, two…THREE!”

And she ran. As fast as she could. She let the wind get in and get out of her lungs. She let her hands get aggressively attacked by the cold. She let the adrenaline give her the warmth she needed.

And she won. 

She arrived, triumphant, looking at Yousef getting to where she was standing, barely breathing. She couldn’t help but laugh.

“Are you alright?” She asked

“Dear God, Sana, where… did you learn… to run like that?”

He coughed. Trying to keep it together. But this was it. He couldn’t.

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.” She said with a smile

“Obviously. I thought you were into basketball only.”

“Basketball involves running, you know.”

“Obviously.”

“Here, let’s sit” She offered.

He nodded. 

It took him some time to regain his breath. So, Sana kept quiet. They stared at the trees standing still in the cold right in front of them. 

“You stopped talking to me.” Sana said

Yousef nodded.

“I did.”

“You unfriended me and you just left.”

Yousef nodded.

“I did.”

She looked at him. She tried to understand his emotions through his eyes. But she couldn’t. She didn’t know what to make out of it.

“And now you want to talk?” She asked

He smiled at her fondly.

“I always want to talk to you, Sana. I always wanted to talk to you.”

“Then why?”

“I guess it was probably several things. I probably felt like you didn’t need me in your life, and that it would be easier if I just stepped away.”

Sana frowned.

“Is that what you thought?”

“I did. When we went out and this guy came up to talk to you…”

“Kassim?”

“Yeah… I thought we were too different to make it work.”

“Yet, you came back, we wouldn’t be here otherwise.”

Yousef kept silent for a while. He wasn’t looking at her. He couldn’t. 

“I missed you.”

He said it silently. It was a whisper. Only the wind could hear it. The words lingered in the cold until they settled into Sana’s heart. Which beat faster as soon as they got in. She looked up and stared at the trees in front of her.

“I missed you too” she whispered back.

They stayed there in silence for a while. They didn’t feel like talking was necessary at that moment. As if the presence of each other was enough. As if there was time to work on this. That. As if there was time to live.

Fifteen minutes had passed, probably, when Sana finally talked. She felt so cold now she felt numb. She felt so cold now she was warm. She felt so cold now it didn’t matter anymore. 

“I chose to let you in my life, though.” 

She wasn’t looking at him. Still. She was looking at her frozen feet. 

Yousef kept silent. So, she went on.

“I choose my battles and I choose to face whatever I am living through. Good or bad. I could have made my life easier, even now. I decided not to.”

Yousef looked up and observed her in silence. When he realized she wasn’t going to add anything, he asked:

“Did you know that last year?”

“What?”

“Do you think you have evolved in some way this year?”

Sana thought about all that happened this past year. About Linda. About Kassim. About Elias. About her parents. About Ludvig, even. Each and every conversation she had with them had helped her to grow. To find some inner peace within her. She was angry at Yousef. Some part of her was angry. But the part that wanted to understand was bigger. And this was what changed. A year ago, she wouldn’t have reacted the same way. 

She somehow accepted the fact that she had battles but that everyone had battles too. She somehow understood that the decisions she made and the decisions people made were flawed. She somehow understood that nobody is ever sure of what is happening. 

“I have grown.’ She whispered.

Yousef smiled.

“I think we both did.”

She kept silent so he kept going.

“I thought I knew better.”

“What do you think now?”

“I think we can help each other.”

She frowned.

“How?”

Yousef sighed and laughed.

“Talking would be a first step.”

Sana joined him and laughed as well.

“That’s a great idea!"

“We shouldn’t take decisions concerning us without asking the other about it. We should learn from the other. Help the other. Grow together.”

“I like that.” She replied with a smile.

He smiled back and took a deep breath.

“I’m sorry I left without giving you an explanation. I’m sorry I unfriended you for no reason. I guess social media does some drama after all, doesn’t it?” He laughed. “It wasn’t fair to you. Or to me.”

Sana smiled kindly at him.

“Thank you.”

He looked at her hesitantly. 

“There was something else.”

Sana frowned.

“Something else?”

“That day at the mall, you said something about Islam, and it just hit me.”

Sana frowned. She tried to remember the discussion they had that day. That day that felt like a lifetime ago.

“Oh!” She said. “The Muslim and non-Muslim not being able to be together?”

“Yeah.”

“And I got interrupted?”

“By that guy, yeah.”

“Kassim.”

“Yeah.”

“Oh yes.” She said with a smile. “Do you want to know what I was going to say now?”

“I think I know.”

“Wait, wait. What did you say, like two minutes ago? Not making any decision without the other? Talk with the other? Listen to the other?”

He smiled at her.

“Sorry. I'm learning."

“Thanks. I wanted to tell you that I didn’t understand that rule because the world isn’t black and white. Because some Muslim guys act like non-believers. And some non-Muslim guys act like believers. The way we define our faith is so large. Islam isn’t black or white. It teaches good and honesty. It teaches that in every action we make there is a lesson. I believe that some guys and girls pretend they are Muslims. But that’s it. Nobody can’t pretend with Islam. Because it is about the honesty that thrives within our hearts. Islam is about being honest with ourselves, our sins, our good actions. We are Muslims for us, not to show the world we are. And you, Yousef, you were honest with your heart, with your feelings, with your decision. That is admirable. Not many would do that.”

There was some tenderness within Yousef’s eyes. It was the tenderness Sana fell for that day they met. That kindness. That love. Only made for her.

He kept silent and she kept on going.

“Islam is about falling down and getting up. And it’s about believing God will be the one helping us.” She smiled to herself. “My mom used to say: tomorrow will be brighter. Living with the hope that God has a good plan for me. This is what gives me faith. Living with the hope, deep down, that you’ll come back. That gave me faith. Yousef, I am not trying to ask you to come back to Islam. That is your only choice. What I am trying to say here is that I am not going anywhere.” 

Silently, without adding a word, Yousef took Sana’s hand and tangled his fingers between hers. Sana kept silent too. His hand was cold too. But some warmth came out of it. And that warmth settled into their hearts.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just wanted to give Yousef some more depth. Because he is flawed just like everyone else and I feel like his story on the show was poorly tackled, mostly because we knew so little about him. Giving him a point of view, and a backstory is important. He needs Sana just as much as Sana needs him. Anyways, I really love Yousef. Enjoy this chapter.


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So I'd like to explain a few things. Define it the way you want though, I'd just like to explain myself and my point of view. The fourteen first chapters were mostly focused on one element: Sana's identity. Over the year that we have followed, she was able to evolve which was my main goal. (Remember, people need people, to grow, to prosper, to love, to be).   
> That being said, there are still some things that I want to explore more such as Yousef and Sana's relationship when they're together and Yousef's relationship with his faith. I am not saying we are going to be in Yousef's mind forever now, but bear with me, we might be with him for a while. So enjoy!

Sana wasn’t able to sleep the following night. Not because she was too sad this time. But because she was happy. At least she thought it was happiness. She liked him. She likes him. Nothing had changed. And so much had changed. 

It’s what they needed to do though. No rush was necessary here. They wanted to take it day by day. They’re taking it day by day. 

 

*

 

Sana fell ill the following morning. She should have expected it. She was outside in the cold for hours. Her throat hurt and she was feverish. She coughed non-stop. She was hot one second and freezing the second after. There was no way she could go to school, or even get out of her bed or even turn on her phone to check out her messages.  
Her mother called her boss to tell her she was about to be a few hours late for work and took care of Sana all morning. Before leaving, she left a cup of herbal tea on Sana’s desk and spread out essential oils all over her room. Sana had fallen asleep when she left and woke up around 14:30. She felt better. Not as much as she wished to be but a little better. She went for a bath, thinking that it would make her feel better. It did. The essential oils she poured into the water calmed the fever in her body. The bubbles made her feel like she was up in the sky. It made her feel a little better. Though her throat hurt as much as it did when she woke up. 

She got out of the bath and put on some clean pyjamas and twirled her hair into a warm towel. She was starving. She hadn’t eaten since the night before, after all. But the kitchen was empty. Her mother promised she was going to run a few errands before coming back. Though at that moment, there was still nothing home. 

She turned on the TV which she stared at without really watching. She was still thinking about the day before. She was still feeling Yousef’s fingers tangled into hers. She was still seeing his sweet smiling eyes. She could still smell his soft perfume. 

The bell rang about half an hour later. 

“Hey” Sana said with a smile “What are you doing here?’

“Brought you some soup” Yousef said.

She raised her eyebrows.

“Soup?” 

“Yeah” He shrugged “You weren’t replying my texts so I asked Elias if you were okay and he told me you were sick. I figured some soup and company would be good for you.”

She sighed.

“Dear God.”

His smile faded away.

“What? You don’t like soup? I can go buy something else if you’d like.”

“No! No! Dear God, Yousef, soup is perfect. Thank you. This is adorable. Thank you. Come in.”

“Don’t say adorable, it makes me feel like a cute little kid.”

He got in and took off his shoes while Sana was waiting for him. 

“Oh, but this is what you are.” She teased him.

Once arrived in the kitchen, she took out the soup from its bag, still warm in the box and poured it into two bowls.

“You’re having some with me, then” She said

“Oh, no, that is for you.”

“Come on” she said with a kind smile “I am not taking no for an answer.”

She brought the two bowls on the table and they quietly began to eat.

“That’s good!” she said. “Really, really good. Did your mother do it?”

He shrugged.

“No, I actually did.”

Sana coughed.

“You did?!”

“Yeah, Maria- the old lady I used to live with back in Madrid, she taught me a lot- her friends did too. She was a bit sick so I was the one cooking.”

“You’re kidding right?”

“I wish I was, but no.” He shrugged. “I got to be very good.”

“I can see that.” She paused “You still have to tell me all about Madrid.”

“Ah! You don’t want to hear about it.”

“Of course I do!”

He sighed and looked down.

“That was mostly me thinking and talking about you.”

“Oh Yousef. This is part sad and part adorable.”

“Stop it with that word!”

It was natural. It felt natural. As if nothing had changed, as if no time had passed. As if their souls were connected. It was easy. Easier than easy. It felt meant to be.   
Elias came home some time later as he found both of them sipping tea in the kitchen. 

“How you feeling sis?”

“Better.” She looked up and smiled at the sight of Yousef eating. “Thanks to Yousef.”

“Ha, what a gentleman! Isn’t he adorable?!”

“Again, you two, stop it with that word!”

“Makes him uncomfortable.” Sana told Elias.

“Oh, I know.” Elias laughed. “So, you two” He continued “You better?”

\--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yousef came back home not long after.

“Hey mom.” He said as he kissed her forehead. “What’s up?”

“Not much. I am trying to call your uncle Ali but he isn’t replying.” She said, her eyes stuck on the smartphone her kids had just offered her, trying to figure out how it worked. 

“That’s because you haven’t turned on the wifi on your phone, mom.”

“The wifi?”

“Internet. You need wifi to call in Turkey via Viber. Here, let me show you.”

“No! Don’t take the phone away from me, I need to learn! Just tell me what I need to do.”

“Ok, so here, you swap down on the screen.”

“Like this?”

“Yes, exactly. And then you just click on that button.”

“This one?”

“Yes, this one! There, now you can go and call him. Say hi for me.”

“Thank you, son. Oh! I almost forgot, how is Sana? It’s not too bad, I hope.”

“No, she’s fine, just a bad cold. But she liked the soup!”

“Of course, she did! Ok, good, I’ll call your uncle then.”

*

When Yousef entered his room, he realized his sister Maryam had left her praying mat in his room. He took it and went to her room to give it back to her. It was red and soft. He could feel the features and the shapes he used to be accustomed to. 

“Maryam?” He said as he opened her door.

“Yeah?” Maryam, his 14-year-old sister was reading a book when he came in. She didn’t look up when she heard her brother.

“You left this in my room.”

She looked up.

“Oh, yeah sorry. Thanks bro.” She replied as she stood up and took it.

He was about to leave when she spoke again.

“Yousef?”

“Yeah?”

“Can I tell you something?”

“Sure, what’s up?”

She looked hesitant. Almost afraid to talk. She took so long to speak again Yousef thought it was a joke.

“I sometimes have doubts about Islam.”

Yousef frowned. This was unexpected. Out of all the people in his family, Maryam seemed the most cautious and honest when it came to her faith.   
He sat down on her bed next to her and looked at her with concern.

“You do?” He eventually asked.

“Yeah, I do. It’s not like I’m losing my faith or anything because I am not. I know I am not.” She quickly replied. As if she felt like speaking about it made it more real than it was before."

“Then what is it?”

She sighed.

“Many things, I guess. Sometimes I don’t feel like I belong to the Muslim community. But I don’t belong to the Norwegian youth either. I just wander in between. And I don’t know where I belong. Sometimes, I don’t feel like there’s a sense in my prayers or in my fast. As if I wasn’t being honest. But I want to be honest. I really do.”  
Her eyes were sorry. As if she had done some mischief, as if she was too scared to confess.

“Do you still talk to God before going to sleep?” He asked her.

She nodded.

“Yes, I do.”

“Do you know why you’re doing this?”

She nodded a second time.

“I do, yes.”

“Why?”

“Because God is my creator and because I want to thank Him for all that He’s done for me.”

“Well, then, I think that’s what matters.”

His sister frowned.

“What?”

“As long as you know why you’re doing this. As long as you want to be honest, it’s what matters.”

“But sometimes I also want to look like the others.”

“Of course you do. But you’ll never be like them.”

“Why not?”

“I don’t really think there’s such a thing as “like them”. And I don’t really think you want to fit in.”

“I don’t want to fit in because I don’t think I would be honest in my actions if I tried to do so.”

“Then, you got it. Islam is not easy when there is so much around.”

She nodded but didn’t add anything for a while.

“Tell me”, he continued, “tell me about your favourite memory as a Muslim.”

Unexpectedly, Maryam’s eyes lighted up instantly.

“The first times I prayed I just used to do it because dad was doing it. You remember? I was five at that time and you were like, nine. And I just kept on doing it because I loved the way dad was so calm and peaceful when he was praying. It felt like no noise was around him, it felt like he disappeared. And I was so eager to know that feeling. It felt perfect. But when I started praying I couldn’t find that calm, that quiet. My mind just kept talking, again and again, I couldn’t concentrate on silence. So I went to see dad and I asked him ‘Dad, how are you so peaceful when you pray, my mind isn’t peaceful at all at that moment’.”

“So what did he say?” he asked

“‘We never value anything if it’s too easy. If you want to be peaceful, then work hard to get it. Tell me, what is praying?’ I didn’t know what to reply. It was something every Muslim was doing but I didn’t really know why. So, I told him I didn’t know. And he smiled and just said ‘Praying is the only way we can talk to God. You have the opportunity to be with God five times a day. Can you imagine?’ Then, when I went to pray I just focused on God. I just focused on the fact that I was talking to God and only Him could hear me.”

There was a smile on her lips. A quiet smile. A smile she needed.

“See?” Yousef replied. “This moment makes up for all the moments of doubts.”

“You’re right.” 

There was some silence before his sister spoke again.

“What was your memory?”

Yousef’s heart tightened. He never really talked about his faith with his sister. Probably because he felt like she was too young to understand. Perhaps because he wanted to stay clean in her eyes.

“Haven’t had mine yet” He replied with a shy smile.

“I hope you will” She replied. “It’s an amazing feeling.”

 

*

 

Before going to bed, he received a message from Sana. Even before he opened the message, he couldn’t help but smile. This. Getting messages from her. He liked that feeling. 

From Sana:  
Unfortunately, the soup hasn’t healed me yet. I thought it was some magical recipe or something.

To Sana:  
I’m sorry to inform you that I’m not a wizard. In another universe, perhaps.

From Sana:  
Are we together in that other universe?

To Sana:  
I don’t think there’s a universe in which we do not belong

From Sana:  
Dude, chill, that was so cheesy!

Ok, I don’t think there’s a universe in which we do not belong either.

To Sana:  
<3  
Yousef thought about asking her but he was still unsure. It felt good to speak to her. It felt like home. That’s how he felt. Maybe she didn’t.

To Sana:  
What are we?

From Sana:  
Do we need to put this into a category just yet? 

To Sana:  
I don’t think so…

From Sana:  
Taking it day by day?

To Sana:  
Sounds good to me  
Goodnight <3

From Sana:  
Goodnight, Mr Cutie

To Sana:  
Cutie and Adorable are the same I don’t like those words.

From Sana:  
Haha <3


	16. Chapter 16

Sana came back to school on Wednesday. She wanted to go on Tuesday but her mother wouldn’t let her. She was still weak, she still needed to rest. This time though, she had warned the girls. Noora and Chris were worried sick when they didn’t see her in Maths. Sana had never skipped a day before. Even when she was sick, she would force herself to get up and go. 

“Here” said Chris when they were sitting in the cafeteria. It was about 11:25, they had a free period before lunchbreak and were waiting for the girls to eat together. “You can take my Maths notes to catch up if you want.”

“Oh, thank you Chris!” She replied as she took her papers. “Wait” She continued, frowning, “What is that, Chris?”

“What?”

“This!”

“Well, my notes?”

Sana started laughing

“Come on, Chris, even a 6-year-old writes better than that!” 

“Oh why, thank you dearly, Sana. I kindly give you my notes and that is how you thank me.” Chris replies, pretending to be sad.

“Well, clearly, your writing was not what made Mutta fall for you!”

Chris starts laughing.

“True.”

Chris never talked about her relationship with him. It was unexpected. Sana always thought out of all of them, she would be the one to talk about it. For some minutes, the two girls got back to what they were doing, as Sana tried to understand Chris’ notes and as Chris read an article about soccer. It was probably the calm that made Sana talk again.

“Is it going well?” Sana asked

“Mmhmm?” Chris was focused reading some paper about soccer. She didn’t look up.

“You and Muttasim, I meant.” Sana said softly.

That’s when she looked up with a bright smile.

“Oh yes, it’s going great!” She said.

“It’s just, you never talk about it.”

Chris sighed.

“No I don’t. Not because I don’t want to though. I just… I never had such a relationship before, and I feel like if I talk about it, about those magical moments we live together, it’s just going to slip away.”

“Oh…” Sana replied with a kind smile. “So you’re really into him.”

“I am, yeah. He’s really nice, and funny, and he values me. It just feels good to be able to talk to someone about anything.”

“Well, Chris, if you’re happy, I’m happy.”

“Aw, thanks girl, I love you.” 

“Love you too girl!”

*

Linda joined them in the afternoon around 14:50. They were about to have a coffee when they heard someone call Sana’s name. They all turned around to see no other man than Yousef.

“Hey!” He smiled as he ran closer to them.

All girls were looking at him with wide eyes as they did not quite understand why he was there.

“Hi! What are you doing here?” Sana replied. She had completely forgot about the girls surrounding her. When he was there, there was only them.

“I finished school earlier so I wanted to surprise you and buy you some coffee to celebrate your recovering. But you look busy, so we can reschedule. I should have called you first.”

“Oh no, that was so sweet! See, I haven’t said adorable ha. But yeah, we were actually on our way to the movies. We could do something on Friday?”

“Argh, I can’t on Friday, promised the guys to go out with them.”

“Saturday, then?” 

“Library, I’m so sorry. Ok, here’s the thing, I’ll try to free my Sunday, and we’ll have our coffee, alright?”

“Deal!”

Sana and Yousef looked into each other’s eyes for what felt such a long time, they only came back to reality when Vilde finally spoke.

“Excuse us guys, but what’s going on here?” She asked

“You’re Elias’ best friend, right?” Noora asked

“I am, sorry, I never properly introduced myself. Yousef, nice to meet you” he said as he shook their hands. “Ok well, I’m gonna get going, it was nice meeting you girls. Sana, I’ll see you on Sunday?”

“Yeah” She whispered with a smile.

And he left.

The girls kept silent but were all staring at Sana incredulously. Sana was still smiling to herself, she had not yet realized what was coming.

“The hell Sana, what was that?” Chris said in a cheerful tone.

“Are you guys a thing?” Eva asked

“Wait… was that the guy you told me about?” Linda continued

“What?! What guy?! How does she know about him and we don’t?” Vilde screamed

“Ok girls, maybe we should just give her the time to explain” Noora told the girls trying to keep her composure.

Sana kept silent as the girls just stared waiting for her to answer.

“I kinda… like him…” she says quietly, almost as a whisper.

“My God you do?!” Eva said

“That’s the cutest thing ever!!!” Vilde replied

“So are you guys together then? I thought Elias would have slipped a word!” Noora continued

“Let’s say we’re figuring it out.” Sana finally said. “And Elias would never tell something that’s not a business of his. I taught him well.”

“My girl Sana in love” Chris sighed as Linda clapped her hands. “I never thought that would have happened. Watch me get emotional.”

“Okay calm down, I’m not in love with him… yet. I just like spending time with him. We’re just trying to see where this goes. Taking it day by day.”

“Still the cutest thing ever. You’ve never smiled to us the way you did looking at him though.” Noora added.

“Ok, ok, girls, can we move on, we’re going to get late for the movie. Let’s move.”

But the girls couldn’t keep quiet. They did so by walking up their way to the cinema. But each and every one of them were so happy to see Sana like this, finally sharing a part of her, finally letting someone in. 

*  
Wednesday, 23:34

To Yousef:  
You know I never told the girls about you. They were kinda confused about what happened earlier.

From Yousef:  
Oh, ouch, I mean so little to you, you didn’t even bother to talk about me to your friends.

To Yousef:  
Oh, poor you, I feel so bad for you.

From Yousef:  
☹

To Yousef:  
Don’t be such a drama king, haha! I don’t share much about my life actually. Never felt comfortable doing so.

From Yousef:  
How does that feel now?

She thought about it for a second before answering.

To Yousef:  
Good, actually. Not so lonely.

From Yousef:  
I’m glad then. Good night <3

To Yousef:  
Good night Yousef

*

The following days were quite noisy around Sana. The girls couldn’t keep their shit together and just kept asking questions about Yousef. But Sana wouldn’t let too much go. They let Chris have her privacy, why wouldn’t they give her that too?

On Saturday morning, Chris invited Sana over to dinner. Her mother wasn’t in town and she was way too tired to go out. Vilde and Eva were going out God knows where and Noora was going to a college party Eskild had begged her to come with. 

Sana and Chris ordered a pizza and watched a movie together. It was pretty late when it ended which resulted into Sana staying the night. They crawled into the bed laughing about a silly meme Chris had seen somewhere on Instagram. 

They were about to fall asleep when Chris spoke.

“Sana?” She asked

“Mmhmm?” She answered. She was about to fall asleep but wasn’t there completely just yet. 

“I wanted to ask you something.” She said hesitantly

“What’s up” She mumbled. Her face was under the blanket, Chris had no idea how she managed to breathe, but Sana always said she liked it better that way.

Chris sighed.

“I was talking about you and Yousef with Mutta the other day… and he told me Yousef wasn’t a Muslim…”

Chris couldn’t see Sana but she opened her eyes. And nodded calmly. When she realized she couldn’t see her, she answered.

“Yeah, that’s true.”

“What are you going to do?” She asked

Sana put her head out of the blanket and looked at Chris with concern.

“To be honest? I have no idea. Some part of me wished he came back to Islam. Some part of me knows it’s not that easy. And all of me cares too much to let him go.”

Chris didn’t say anything. She just held her hand in silence, as to show some support.

“I wish I knew what to say.” She eventually added.

“There’s nothing to say, Chris. But thank you.” She replied as she pressed Chris’ hand. “You know,” she continued, “in islam, we’re used to put everything into God’s hands, to trust Him with all problems we have, and to do the best we can but to trust God in all doings. This is what I’m trying to do here, go day by day, and trust that somehow, something will show me the solution.”

“It’s good.” She replied. “Believing that someone is taking care of you, I mean.”

Sana sighed. 

“I’m trying though.” She paused for a second. “I really like him, you know. He feels… like home. I don’t really think that many people can make you feel like home.”

“I don’t think so either.”

They stopped talking for a while, Sana was about to turn off the lights when Chris turned to face Sana.

“I’m scared Mutta would leave me for a Muslim girl.”

Sana frowned.

“Why would he do that?”

“Because I’m not a Muslim. Why would he stay with me?”

Sana sighed.

“Because he loves you?”

“Does he, though?”

“Of course he does! Who wouldn’t love you?”

Chris faced the ceiling and closed her eyes.

“Chris…” Sana continued. “Mutta chose to be with you for a reason, he chose you for a reason, you’ve been together for a while now, almost a year right? If he wasn’t serious about you, if he didn’t want to be with you, he wouldn’t have stayed.”

“But… maybe he just wanted someone to hook up with.”

“Chris, no, please, don’t think that way. You’re important and beautiful and caring and strong. You were the first one out of everyone who made me feel welcome, who gave me a little love when all I was met with was hate, you were the first one who didn’t see my hijab as a barrier. You care. You care so much sometimes you forget yourself. Please don’t.”

Chris looked at Sana, laughing.

“Damn, girl, deep much?”

Sana joined her in her laugh.

“Well, girl, you started it!”

“Thank you. I love you.”

“I love you too, girl.”

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sunday 1:30  
Yousef had just come home. He tried to make as little noise as possible so that he wouldn’t wake his parents up. He slowly and quietly climbed up the stairs and reached his room. He took off his clothes and settled in his bed. 

He turned on his phone and scrolled through Instagram without really looking. As he scrolled down through the countless pictures and videos, he found that one quotation that he stared for a while. As if that was supposed to be there.

“Sometimes, the hardest battle is against yourself.”   
He checked the account and realized the account posted quotes related to Islam. Maybe one of his friend had like the picture so it appeared on his dash, maybe it was just meant to be. He just spent an hour long scrolling through the different pictures and quotes from the account. It was a peaceful time, no one was talking, it was just him and his phone. He didn’t have to try too hard, he was just reading them, one by one, until he fell asleep.   
The last quote that appeared on his screen was the following:

“Oh Allah, if you see me getting farther away from you, return me to You in a beautiful way.”


	17. Chapter 17

Yousef was always defined as a good guy. He had that reputation. And he carried that etiquette all his life. He didn’t mind, really. That’s who he was. That’s what he wanted to be. A good person. That doesn’t mean he didn’t make any mistakes. He did. But he tried to be good. Always.

It’s not the easiest thing, really. Especially when the world surrounding him was encouraging him to do mistakes, to smoke, to drink, to sleep around. And sometimes, he did think about it. He did think about doing it. But then, he would remember something his father used to tell him. “Whatever happens, don’t let the world harden your heart.”  
So, whenever he could, he tried to be kind. He always met hate with kindness. He always tried to help as much as he could. He always tried to smile as much as he could.   
Sometimes, though, sometimes, he felt like the world depended too much on him. As if he could carry everyone’s problems on his bare shoulders. And he tried to carry them. But sometimes, it was too heavy. 

At some point in his life, he would hear too much noise, too many compliments, too much. He wasn’t that guy, he wasn’t perfect. And eventually he didn’t want to carry that etiquette anymore. He didn’t want to be the good guy anymore. 

There was too much pressure on him “MashaAllah*” they would tell his mother, “your son is such a good guy, he is kind and beautiful, he prays five times a day, he is generous. MashaAllah, such a good guy.”

One night, when he was 17, he couldn’t sleep. He would turn over and over in his bed, and he just couldn’t sleep. His dad used to tell him to read a little Quran before getting to bed. So, he did. But none of the words made sense to him. 

He stared at the ceiling for a while. Why would he do something that didn’t make sense to him? Why would he force himself to do something he didn’t want to do? He was used to do what his parents asked him to do. “Have you prayed?” “Did you read surah Al Kahf?” “Yes mom, yes dad, I did.”

At some point, he didn’t want to pray anymore. At some point, he didn’t want to go the mosque anymore. At some point, he just stopped forcing himself.   
It didn’t relieve him, it didn’t make him feel good. Some part of him felt guilty. It felt like he gave up on a promise he made a while ago. But sometimes, he would grab that little feeling, the feeling that showed him what it felt like to live like a non-Muslim. And sometimes, he liked it.

He hoped he would come back to Islam. He really did. He hoped that by some miracle his heart would feel full again. 

*

He never really thought about love before Sana. Some part of him did, when Elias started dating, a girl after another. When Adam couldn’t stop talking about girls. He did have crushes, but the day he saw Sana, he felt something he had never felt before. 

And he knew she was a Muslim, he knew she had a strong faith. He knew Islam was part of her life. And he knew Muslims married believers only. But he couldn’t let go. He couldn’t stop thinking about her. He would feel warm and home whenever she appeared in his thoughts. And his heart couldn’t stop beating whenever her eyes met his. She was one in a million. Hell, she was the only one in this world. 

Funnily enough, he thought she was going to be mean with him. Whenever he caught a glimpse of her at her house, she was not smiling. There was some darkness within her, some sadness rather. But she was nice, always. Some part in Yousef liked to think he softened her heart. Sure, she was once aggressive, she even hit him. But that was on accident, she apologized, right? She wouldn’t apologize to everyone. 

*

Yousef and Sana managed to meet on Sunday. Sunday appeared to be their day. It was still cold so they decided to go to the movies. Her face was barely visible in the darkness of the room but he could see the shape of her nose thanks to the light of the screen. Her perfume was soft, it was musk, perhaps, she once told him she wasn’t a big fan of fragrance. She wore a light pink hijab loosely which match her skin tone perfectly. He wasn’t sure for how long he stared at her but she eventually turned her head to face him with a kind smile. 

“Are you going to spend the whole movie looking at me?” She asked

“Better view than the screen, to be honest” He whispered.

She let out an awkward laugh and asked him to focus on the movie. Which he did. 

It felt good. To only focus on today. To only believe in today. Because that’s all they had. This life. Now. 

They took a quiet walk after the movie. The sunset reflected on the calm water, which gave the landscape a frozen beauty. Sana’s hand brushed Yousef and he hesitated for a second but decided not to hold it. Even though he wanted to. He wanted to feel her soft skin caressing his. He wanted to smell her perfume as if it was his. But he mostly wanted to understand her, to protect her, to love her. 

“Sana?” he asked her.

“Yup?” she answered. She looked up and looked at him with a sweet smile. That sweet smile he loved so much.

“Can I ask you a question?”

“You just did!” she laughed. “I’m kidding, what’s up?”

Yousef paused and looked away, as if not sure about what he wanted to say.

“You never really told me why you believed in God…”

She looked at him fondly. 

“You want to know? You never asked me, I wasn’t sure about what to say or how…”

“I do want to know. I want to know everything that you love.”

She sighed, with a shy smile she tried to hide.

“Okay then. I don’t think I had a breakthrough that convinced me that God existed. I don’t think I believe in Him because my parents do either. I have ups and downs, just like everyone else, I guess. I just like to believe everything around us is more complex than it seems. Which is also why I love science so much. I guess nothing ever make sense to me, except when it comes to Islam. You know how everyone always say that faith is really personal? Well that’s it, it’s incredibly personal to me. What I feel praying, what I feel when I confess to God, what I feel when I thank Him for all that He’s given me, is an incredible feeling. It’s like He’s right here by my side, like I am not alone, like my problems are not that big of a deal anymore. Because He’s written what’s meant to be and I should not worry. It helps me going. I’m not saying I’m always like that. I have downs. Sometimes I’m too attracted to this world and it feels like my faith is gone. But somehow, it comes back. And again, I thank God for this.”

“What do you do when you have doubts?”

“Not much, to be honest. I wish I would try to force myself to do much more, but I don’t. I pray five times a day but my thoughts are elsewhere, I fast but I only focus on the not eating part. Sometimes I just feel guilty. I just hope to come back.”

Yousef’s reply came out as a whisper. Sana wasn’t even sure he had actually said something.

“I hope to come back someday.” He said. 

Sana kept quiet for a while. She wasn’t really sure if she had actually heard him or not. 

“You do?” She eventually answered.

He looked up and nodded yes.

Sana’s reply now came out as a whisper. Yousef wasn’t even sure he had actually heard something.

“For me?”

“No, not for you. I mean, yes for you, but no, not for you. Because I want to feel the way you feel when you talk about Islam, the way my sister and my father feel. It just sounds peaceful, and I want to find that peace. But I guess I always tried to find that peace.”

Sana smiled fondly.

“InshaAllah then.”

“InshaAllah.”

*

Tuesday, 14:00

Yousef had just arrived in class. The room was already full of students, but he managed to find a seat between two girls, one looking 40 the other looking 16. It always struck him; to see how diverse college could be. All ages, all ethnicities, all genders, it was a melting pot. And it opened his eyes on so many things. 

He hadn’t made many friends since he arrived, he sometimes talked to kids in his class but not enough to know something about them. He mostly hanged out on his own or with Hussein, a 35-year-old guy who came from Senegal to study. 

College was pretty lonely when he thought about it. He happened to miss Alessandro and his other friends from Madrid. He happened to miss Maria and cooking for her. He sometimes talked to his old friends in a group chat they created but it didn’t feel the same. 

It was still weird to follow courses in Norwegian again. He got used to Spanish. But it felt good to understand everything that was said. 

College was good. Yousef started to know what he wanted to focus on. Youth organisations. In two years, he would be able to take specific courses to develop projects for young people in poor areas. For now, though, he had to take general courses, and well, some were not as interesting as he wished it to be. 

He was in class, staring blankly at the teacher who was talking about some finance gibberish he couldn’t understand when he looked around him. There were around 50 others students in the large room. None of whom seemed to understand a single word the teacher was saying except for a few students who kept raising their hand which clearly appeared to annoy the teacher. 

“Hey”, whispered the young girl next to him, “do you know what she said after the regulation shit?”

“I’m sorry”, Yousef replied, “She kinda lost me when she started to talk about SEC.”

“Argh, okay I give up. I never understood why they forced us to follow that course anyway.”

“Same. You’re in communication?” He asked.

She nodded.

“Yes, you too? I saw you with Hussein the other day.”

“Yeah, I’m Yousef” He smiled

“Nice to meet you, I’m Ulrikke.”

The teacher was still talking very passionately and didn’t seem to notice how bored the students were.

“You look young to be in college, you know?”

She laughed quietly.

“Ah yes, I know, it’s the amazing gene my parents gave me that prevents me from getting old. I’m 25.”

“No shit!!” Yousef replied a little too loud. “You’re older than me?!”

“Older than many people here, yeah” she shrugged.

“Well, good for you!”

“Thanks!” She hesitated a second. “Hey, I was wondering, can I join your study group?”

Yousef frowned.

“My study group? I don’t have many friends here.”

She smiled.

“With Hussein, I meant. That way we could help each other with this course and others. The more, the better, don’t you think?’

“Sure thing, you’re more than welcome.” He nodded.

The class eventually ended, and they parted ways. It was nice to finally talk to someone. He felt like he hadn’t opened his mouth since he had gotten here. He kinda missed that. Meeting new people.

*

Yousef came home later that day and tried to read a little about finance before turning on the TV. He stared blankly at the TV when he got an idea. He didn’t have classes on Tuesdays and Fridays afternoon. He could use that time to work. It’d be good for him. To get some experience, and some money. 

Where would he work though? He didn’t have any experience, where could he go? 

He turned off the TV and opened his laptop. He stared at the Google page for a while, still unsure about what to write, what to search and eventually turned it off. Maybe he should go to places to get a job, ask them, maybe that would be more efficient. 

He reached the kitchen to look for some snack where he found his mother cooking. 

“Hey, mom!” He said with a cheerful smile

“Hi, kiddo, you came here to help me?” She asked looking down on the potatoes she was peeling.

“Sure thing, what are we doing?” 

“Dolma*, your favourite!” she replied

He sighed with a sweet smile on his face.

“Oh mom, I told you, numerous times, it’s not my favourite dish.”

“It should be, though, it is good for your health.” She said as she raised an eyebrow.

“Yeah, okay let me help you then.”

They remain quiet for a while, enjoying some time together without talking. Her mother was probably one of the few people he was comfortable with in silence. He liked that.

“Mom?” He eventually asked

“Yes, my son?” 

“I was thinking… about getting a job. You know, it’d be good to get some experience and some money too.”

She nodded with a smile. 

“It’d be good, yes. Do you know where you could apply?”

“No… The idea just came up to me, like ten minutes ago.”

“Well” Her mother continued “you could work in youth centres with kids. You always liked that. Or anything kids-related actually. I’m not sure they ask for a lot of experience.”

“Yeah… perhaps. That’s a good idea, mom. I’ll try to check it out.”

“Oh, you could go there in person. Remember the place your sister used to go a few years ago? Like, during vacations, they would go hiking, or visit museums, or have sport competitions and all? You could go there and ask them what you need to do! I’m sure they remember you.”

“Oh yeah, that’s a good idea! Thanks mom.”

“Sure, son.”

*

Yousef went to that youth centre on Friday afternoon and arranged a meeting with the director, Anna of the place. She was really kind and helpful with him. 

“We unfortunately don’t have anything to offer you right now, I’m so sorry. What I can do is talk around and see if there’s something I can do for you.” She said.

“Wow, that’d be really cool, thank you so much.”

“Oh it’s my pleasure, it’s the least I could do! Maryam was so sweet, she always helped around whenever she could. We miss having her here.”

“I’ll tell her to stop by! Do you have any advice on what kind of training I can get to work in youth centres though?”

“If you really want to get involved in youth work, I can give you a few references you can check out. Otherwise, I’ll try to see what I can do for you. Don’t worry for now, Yousef.”

“I really appreciate it, thank you so much.”

* 

Yousef got a call back the following Tuesday. Some guy called David told him he could have something to offer him for a few hours on Friday nights and Saturday afternoons. It wasn’t what he expected and not as convenient as he hoped but he could make it work. If he studied on Tuesday afternoons instead of Saturdays, he wouldn’t lose any time. 

David asked him to drop by on Friday evening to see what he could do and to show him around. The youth centre mostly focused on school support and cultural awareness. Yousef figured he could spend a few hours helping out kids struggling at school. 

“I’m warning you, though”, David said “The salary isn’t good at all and some of those kids are tough to work with. You’re going to have to be patient.”

Yousef shrugged.

“We all got to start somewhere, right?” 

“I like your spirit, Yousef.” David replied as he patted his shoulder. “Now, how about you come by tomorrow to meet some of the kids?” David replied.

“I would love that!”

“Great, see you tomorrow then!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> MashaAllah: God has willed  
> Dolma: Stuffed vegetables dishes


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! So this is the end, my last chapter. I am really sorry it took me so much time to write it.  
> Thank you to all the ones who read this very long story. I loved writing it. 
> 
> Many events I mentioned in the story were inspired from real life stories I lived, because I wanted my story to be as realistic as possible. (Also I'm very sorry, I've been to hundreds of Moroccan weddings but too little Turkish weddings (probably four), so I wasn't as comfortable talking about their traditions.)
> 
> I was thinking about writing a fanfiction about Chris and Mutta, so you guys tell me if you'd read it. 
> 
> Enjoy this last piece. Much love.

He worked in that youth centre for two years. He met many people there. He loved that, meeting new people, people from different experiences, people he wouldn’t think about meeting anywhere else. People he never thought he’d be friend with.  
He worked with kids a lot, he loved being with them, talking to them, playing with them. It drained out the stress from his life. He liked to listen to their crazy stories. He liked how warm their hugs felt. He liked to hold their hands when they were too afraid of the big kids. 

School was going well. It was tough though, he couldn’t hide it. Sometimes he was too tired to go out. Sometimes, he wouldn’t see his friends or Sana for weeks. It was hard to keep on going. It was hard to make sense to what he did sometimes. In stressful times, he would lose a lot of weight, he would work days and nights. He worried his mother, his father, his sister, but most of all, he worried Sana. 

Good thing Sana understood his engagement in his work, she admired that. She admired him in so many ways. She was that involved in her work too. And as much as they wanted to be there for the other, it was still hard to keep on going.  
“Do you think we’ll ever find a way out of this?” Sana asked him, one evening. They had managed to meet right after school and were wandering in the streets of Oslo for hours. They had been quiet for a while. Yousef was holding her hand, keeping it warm, keeping it home.

“Out of what?” he asked her, while frowning.

“This. Work, studies, not seeing each other for weeks, being so focused in what we want to be, we sometimes forget to be together.”

“You’re part of the reason, I’m doing this, you know that, right?”

“Really?”

“Of course. I’m doing this for us, our safety, our kids.”

Sana shrugged.

“Our kids?”

“Yeah, our kids! Our family. It’ll be us against the world.”

“I like that.” 

“And you’ll be the amazing Doctor Sana Bakkoush, savior of Oslo.”

She laughed at that.

“Of course, I will be!” 

*  
Sana missed Yousef. Sometimes she felt like he wasn’t there, even when he was there. And she understood that. He had a lot in his mind. She did too. 

She started college full of hope, ready to fight, ready to live. She wasn’t told, college was going to take out too much on her. She was tired. Too tired. And she was too involved. 

She had to become a surgeon. She had to succeed. It was her one thing. The one thing she promised her father, the one thing she promised herself. 

But she missed Yousef. She missed her friends. She missed her family. 

“My dearest” her dad would say, “don’t work to death, take the time to breathe. I don’t want you to become a surgeon if that takes up too much of you.”

“I’ll be fine, dad.” She would reply. “I’ll be fine.”

The college years were hard on both of them. But somehow, it strengthened their relationship. They were doing this for their future, they were doing this for the family they wanted to have. They were doing this together. Even though it sometimes felt lonely. 

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Yousef had a complicated relationship with Islam for a while. He still tried to understand a lot of things. He still tried to fight that voice inside his head that kept him from taking a decision, that kept him from having a clear mind. 

He would sometimes take his sister’s Quran, the one part Arabic part Norwegian and read some pages. And he felt good afterwards. But the day after, he would just forget about everything he had read. 

He would read some stories on convert Muslims on internet. And he was affected by them. But he would go on with his everyday life the day after. It was hard to have so much in mind, school, work, Sana. It was hard to give Islam a try when he gave it up such a long time ago. 

There were many kids coming from Muslim families at the youth centre and he would sometimes hear them talking. 

“You’re eating during Ramadan? StarfAllah*, can’t believe you did it.” He would hear another day.

The kids were 15 years old, they were playing video games in the back room. Yousef could hear them from the main hall.

“I’m not Muslim anymore bro, it’s too much work.”

“What d’you mean it’s too much work, it’s only hard if you let it be hard. You can’t let it go, man.”

“Oh, come on, leave me be.”

“I can’t. You’ll live a life full of regrets. Islam is the truth!”

“I know, it’s the truth, I just can’t live like others and I want to.”

“Of course, you want to. This world is full of temptations. Try to remember it’s not real. Only the hereafter is.”

*

He didn’t come back to Islam right away. It took him years. Years of back and forth. Years of endless questions. Years of doubts and fears. 

He couldn’t sleep one day. One night, rather. He would turn and turn again. It was probably 1:30 when he eventually got up and reached the bathroom. 

He found his reflection in the mirror. He had black bags under his eyes. That’s how tired he was. He was soon done though.  
It was December. Yousef had turned 22 a few months back. He remained there for a while, staring at his reflection, questioning his past, his present and his future. He turned on the sink and found himself practicing the wudhu, as if he had done it everyday for the past ten years. 

Three times the hands, three times the mouth, three times the nose, thee times the face, three times the right arm, three times the left arm, one time the head and the ears. Three times the right foot and three times the left foot. 

And then, the shahada*. 

“I bear witness that there is no God except Allah and I bear witness that Muhammad is the messenger of Allah.”

*

Yousef didn’t tell Sana right away. He didn’t tell anyone right away actually. He wanted to wait for a while. He wanted to cherish that moment on his own. 

He was excited whenever he would get up to pray. Like a child going to school for the first time. He felt lighter whenever his head fell on the ground. He felt peaceful whenever he recited Surah al-Fatiha. He felt relieved. Somehow. He felt free. And happy.

*

Sana was 23 when they got married. It was too soon, his father kept saying, she needed to finish her studies first. But she couldn’t wait. She didn’t want to. They waited long enough. 

It was a beautiful day in spring, sunny but not too hot. Flowers were slowly growing and it was a time of renewal, of beginnings. Which is why they wanted to get married at that time of the year. Sana woke up stressed out. This was it. The first day of the rest of her life. Marrying the man she was in love with. Marrying her soulmate. 

Everyone was in a hurry when she opened her eyes. Nobody had really slept that night, her mother wanting everything to be perfect for her only daughter. Linda and Noora had slept in to take care of every little detail there was left to do. Elias was running back and forth to make sure everyone was on point and ready. 

Sana’s wedding dress wasn’t the kind of dress all girls dream about getting married into. It was quite simple, actually. Too simple for her mother but she liked it that way. It wasn’t big, it wasn’t breathtaking, it was a simple white dress with a long train. No lace, no patterns. She added a beautiful beige burnus* though, the one her mother married in. This one had a few patterns all over which made the plain white dress a little less simple.

She stared at her reflection right before the fuss, the screams, the ululation*, the music. She stared at her reflection in the mirror, when she managed to be on her own in her room. She was ready. A white turban covered her hair that matched her white long dress. She chose to wear a silver necklace alongside silver earrings to not make it too bright, too white. She was carrying white flowers to match it all. 

She stared at her reflection. She had come a long way. From the time she hated the world, from the time she was conflicted between her faith and her love for Yousef, from the time she thought she couldn’t be happy. To this day, all in white, inside and outside. Faithful and happy. Marrying the man of her dreams. 

She still remembers the day he told her he came back to Islam. He was hesitant yet excited. He was happy and at peace. And she could see it in his eyes. She couldn’t help but jump into his arms and stay there for minutes. She couldn’t help but say “Alhamdulilah.”

She still remembers the day he first mentioned them being married in a near future. As if it was no big deal. As if it was obvious.

She still remembers the day he came at her place with his family to propose*. How Maryam was wearing a beautiful red dress. And Elias was more than excited. And Yousef looked so shy even her parents couldn’t stop but tease him. 

She still remembers Chris and Mutta’s wedding when Yousef took her hand and told her “I can’t wait for our day too."

And now, she’s remembering that second, that minute that is the first minute of the rest of her life. She joined her hands together and started her last prayer before the storm. “Ya Allah, bless this wedding and fulfill our union with love and happiness. Ya Allah, accept this union and make us grow old together as one for You, my Lord. Ya Allah, protect Yousef, and Mother and Father, and Elias and Noora. Ya Allah, protect Muttasim and Chris and their daughter Sonja. Ya Allah, alhamdulilah.”

Muttasim and Chris’ daughter was three months old. A little princess the boys couldn’t help but be madly in fond of. Whatever Sonja needed, they would run around and give her. Everyone expected Yousef to be the first one to be married. Everyone expected Sana to be the first one to be married. But it ended up being them. Them who had a kid first, them who became real life adults first.

Her father cried when he saw Sana with her white dress. Her mother cried when she passed through her father, leaving the house and kissing his forehead. Yousef cried when she said yes at the legal ceremony.

It was a beautiful wedding. Both Turkish and Moroccan cultures mixed up and created something unique. They danced dabke and reggada*. They ate Pastilla and Baklava. She wore one blue kaftan and one Turkish dress. 

Both Yousef and Sana invited all the people who made this day a reality. Who made them come that far. Elias, Mutta, Adam and Mikael, of course. Chris, Noora, Eva and Vilde, obviously. Linda who recently got engaged with an Argentinian guy she met when volunteering in south America the year before. Kassim, on his own, who had recently join an engineering firm. Maria and Veronica and Melissa who had come straight up from Madrid. Alessandro, who was now a globe trotter.

And Ludvig. 

Both Yousef and Sana were walking in the park one year before when they encountered Ludvig. Both were surprised when they realized Ludvig provided them both with wise words when they needed it the most. They became really good friends afterwards and they often took walks together along with Marcelius. 

Marcelius died a few months before their wedding. Which made Ludvig extremely sad. Marcelius was the only thing he had left that reminded him of his wife. And then, he had nothing left. It got Ludvig really happy when he heard about Yousef and Sana’s wedding though. 

Somehow through the night, he found himself dancing really closely with Maria. They didn’t even speak the same language but it sure didn’t prevent them from laughing and having a good time. 

So that was it, a beautiful night, where all the people they loved came together and celebrated Yousef and Sana’s union. 

 

 

The story ended like it ends in books or in movies. Beautifully. Sana ended up in love and loved. She was happy, happy to be Norwegian, happy to be Moroccan, happy to be a Muslim. 

Sana let people in. She let her heart be filled with light. It doesn’t mean there’s no darkness anymore, it doesn’t mean there’s no hate anymore, it only means the light is stronger now. Because now, she knows, people need people, to grow, to prosper, to love to be.  
Because loneliness is scary and attractive. Because loneliness is sometimes too dangerous. Because loneliness is sometimes not healthy. But sometimes, crowds are dangerous too. Find balance in your words and your feelings, she would say to her children years later. Find that light, and fight the world with it. Because no one is ever going to believe in yourself if you don’t believe in you first.  
Islam was her truth and it was for the rest of her life. Yousef was her love, her one, her soulmate. And they grew old together, they prospered, they loved and they were. They lived as if they were on a journey, they hoped for brighter days and fought together.  
Happiness isn’t a goal, it is lived in fragments. Happiness comes and goes, what can be done is to hold on tight on these happy memories, because those, those are the ones who give hope, the ones who make us live, and grow.  
They say hate is there, they say we’ll find it if we look for it.  
But we say love is there too, and it can be found if we look for it too.  
And I say don’t be afraid to live your life, don’t be afraid to go for what you want. There’s nothing to lose. The only thing that can happen is regrets. Living with regrets.  
Trust your life like Sana when she committed to Yousef while everything around her kept saying no.  
Have faith in what is to come for it is only good.  
There will be good and bad days. Only you can fight the bad days though. So be strong. Always.  
And remember to always be kind. Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> StarfAllah: God forgive me/us (Usually written Astaghfirullah but many people don't articulate that way, I'm just trying to write it the way a youth might pronounce it.)
> 
> wudhu: ritual purification before praying.
> 
> Shahada: Profession of faith 
> 
> Burnus: Long cloak
> 
> ululation: long high-pitched vocal sound from women heard during celebrations in North Africa.
> 
> Dabke and reggada: Traditional dances from both countries
> 
> Pastilla and Baklava: Traditional dishes from both countries
> 
> Kaftan: Moroccan dress


End file.
